All Created Equal?

This will probably be the easiest post I've ever written. Simply because, in my opinion, there's no logical opposition. Also the most preach-y, by far. I'm talking about same-sex marriage and why it's an embarrassingly bad case of history repeating itself. A modern day fight for civil rights. I understand this is controversial, but I'm just stating my strong opinion. I'm beginning it with the intention of making it short and sweet, but that almost never happens. So, here goes. I give you....

Top Five Arguments Against Gay Marriage

& Why They're Invalid

1.) The Bible says so.

 Does it? That's fantastic. You know what else the Bible says?

• Don't you dare eat that ham sandwich: And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat.

•  Women in church? Ugh! Fine, but be quiet: Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law.    
•  Second marriages? Say what?!:  Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.

Totally real, by the way. Why would you base your beliefs on a book of stories written 3500 years ago by, we'll assume, some apostles? I know this is controversial because a third of the world is Christian. However, from my perspective, it's unthinkable to allow your moral compass to be stubbornly stuck to this collection of tales from centuries ago when here we are, in real life, in modern society. We are people - real human beings - with all the same needs & desires (love, acceptance, safety, etc.). Why is one person more "valid" or worthy of these things than another?

And if for whatever reason, you insist on dividing the human race into castes based on your own criteria, you could at least put the Bible down and take note of a document more concrete, more recent and more relevant: The U.S. Constitution. If you refuse on seeing the natural equality among people, at least follow what we pledge in school every day or declare implicitly when we wave the American flag. All men are created equal. Although fairly sexist wording for today's world, it's right there in print. If you disagree, then change it. Ask the government to rewrite it as "People are relatively equal except for the following groups of individuals...." I doubt we could find enough people to support a legislation change of wording like that, regardless of our differences in beliefs. So until the foundation of our country is adapted to be as fickle and stubbornly judgmental as these anti-gay protestors, let's agree to actually follow the rules.
 

2.) Kids do better with a mom and a dad.

 Of all arguments, I understand this one the most. I absolutely recognize the benefits of having both a female and male role model in one's life. Unfortunately, just because we see the advantages of an ideal situation,

doesn't make it reality. This argument is based on the notion that all heterosexual couples lead a happily-married life under one roof. In reality, there are single parents raising children. There are grandparents raising their grandchildren. There are husbands and wives who hate each other and are raising their kids in a negative, unsupportive environment. 

I'm not saying one parent or parenting team is better than another. My point is that you can't declare such a thing. Children grow up in less-than-perfect environments all the time every day everywhere, regardless of who's running the household. The common denominator in a family that breeds well-rounded, well-adjusted, happy kids is the heart & devotion of the parent(s).

There are plenty of heterosexual couples raising imperfectly perfect kids and the same goes for their homosexual counterparts. There is no ideal. If one person, or a union of people, want to raise a child, I guarantee the love & support they provide will be all that baby needs to become a wonderful human being. Irrespective of his/her parents' sexual preference.

Here's one personal account:

3.) It's been that way forever.

 Mmm hmmm. I know! Change is hard. We're creatures of habit. Get over it. The world was also flat as a pancake, the atom was the smallest thing, and witches were burned at the stake on the regular.  

The Bible-based belief that men and women are the only ones worthy of a marriage license and equal rights may have seemed perfectly reasonable in the past, but here we find ourselves in modern day. We've made it through the worst of racial segregation, suffrage opposition, and - in the most drastic of examples - concentration camps. LGBT individuals and their allies have worked tirelessly to raise awareness and allow for people to openly be themselves for the first time ever. Just because it took them centuries to step out of the closet doesn't mean this closet is a recent development. Or, as I'll discuss later, the gays created a closet from nothing so they could step out of it.

"We're here, we're queer, so get over your fear." That's what the signs should say. 

In my opinion, the majority of the anti-gay perspective stems from fear. Exacerbated versions of natural human fears: fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of what we don't understand. Well, at what point did these instincts supercede common sense and the acceptance of all human beings for what they are? Educate yourself. Don't know any gay people? Then, by definition, the judgment you're passing on them is coming from a place of ignorance. Open yourself up to meeting, learning about and accepting others around you instead of preaching from your small corner of the world at large.

4.) It validates and promotes the homosexual lifestyle.

If by "validates" and "promotes", you mean "allows everyone the right to be themselves without judgment, ridicule or shame", then YES. Yes, it does. These people aren't lepers. A gay man's preference for the same

gender is not contagious and in fact, does not affect anything at all. Except for that man's happiness, peace of mind and quality of life. It may make you anxious, but as we've learned in Item #3, that's your mountain to climb.

Let's say you're walking down the street with your young son, for example. A same-sex couple walk by on the opposite sidewalk holding hands. The likelihood of your son then spending his allowance on bedazzled jean cut-offs and asking Santa for a boyfriend is low. Unless, of course, said boy is already gay and/or happens to like those things. Essentially, it's quite possible that by opening your mind to the concept of equality, your children will learn to see the world through a sensitive, non-judgmental lens. And you can't have too many of those type of people walking around.

5.) Being gay is a choice. Therefore, gay people are choosing to ruin the sanctity of marriage.

Are people serious? Why would anyone actively choose to be different from and socially outcasted by half of the population? The choice that a person unfortunately has to make is not whether he/she is gay; it's whether or not he/she feels they have a support system and the self-confidence to let the world see him/her as they really are. A human being shouldn't have to weigh acceptance & love against the ability to live their life and feel comfortable in their own skin. These shouldn't be mutually exclusive. In a logical world, these would go hand-in-hand.

Again, homosexual people are not trying to creep up and "ruin" anything for heterosexuals. They'd just love to use the word "husband" or "wife", get the same medical and legal recognition, and feel validated. The divorce rate is currently above 50% in America anyway. And in the time it takes to eat lunch, a Hollywood marriage has come and gone. So what sanctity or success rate are we really debating here? Love is love.

Why pass judgment on something we've never experienced? Or treat it like it's so unbelievably foreign?

These are questions on a Heterosexual Questionnaire meant to help people see things from a new perspective. From where I'm standing, it supports everything I've been talking about:

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
2. When and how did you first decide you were heterosexual?
3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?
4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a fear of others of the same sex?
5. If you have never slept with a member of your own sex, is it possible that you might be gay if you tried it?
6. If heterosexuality is normal, why are so many mental patients heterosexual?
7. Why do you heterosexual people try to seduce others into your lifestyle?
8. Why do you flaunt your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet?
9. The great majority of child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?
10. With all the societal support that marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexual people?
11. Why are heterosexual people so promiscuous?
12. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they would face, such as heartbreak, disease, and divorce? 

So I know this is just my opinion but it always feels good to stand up for something. Even if it is just in my tiny corner of the Internet. In closing, enjoy this genius song by a fearless, enlightened rapper:

Watch This. Don't Watch That.

So I've finished my latest long-term sub position and the only absences available in the per diem pool leave something to be desired. Unless I'm willing to make minimum wage teaching wood shop to urban high school seniors. (I'm good, thanks.) So what's a girl to do with all of this time in between working out, job hunting and applying for unemployment? Television, of course. A girl's best friend.

There are two shows in particular that I want to discuss, and they couldn't be more different. One is a show that I unfairly abandoned before even giving the pilot a chance; the other I realize I should've abandoned weeks ago. Let's break them each down respectively.

Breaking Bad 

I admit I sometimes judge books by their covers, movies by their posters and people by their faces. Television is no different. I'd been told about this show for over two years by pretty much everyone I know, as well as people I apparently knew at one point but are not ringing any bells on my News Feed. I continued to disregard their avid recommendations. This is their main character? Yeah, no. Archetypal guy show, I said, for sure.

Before I say anything, let's run down the basic framework of this show. Middle-aged chemistry teacher is diagnosed with cancer and starts cooking meth with a junkie ex-student to provide for his family postmortem. Said family? A brother-in-law in the DEA, a son with CP, and a lovely wife with an inappropriately low level of suspicion about the whole operation. Cue druglords, murder and overdose.

If I were a network executive, there's no way this pilot would even be made. On paper, it's a sick and twisted not-ready-for-TV plotline. But - you guessed it - I'm obsessed. I'm literally losing sleep over it. The writing is genius and suspenseful, the directing and camerawork is so creative, and the actors disappear into their characters.

Let's play a quick game called Things I've Said Out Loud to an Empty Room. I'll go first. "Oh my goddd." "Jesus Christ, get outta there." My personal favorite? Escaping in barely a whisper, "How does she knowwww?"

Oh, also? There's this eye candy to enjoy in all his law-breaking glory. 

Girls

On the other end of the spectrum, there's the kind of show that people love because everyone else loves it. I'm guilty! I bought into the whole masquerade, too. An updated, quirky Sex and the City for twenty somethings? Sure! 
  

Then the weirdness set in. I realized I don't relate to a single one of these characters. The shy paranoid one, the Bohemian hipster one, the whiny self-involved one, and the one that looks like she just stepped off the runway. Their problems in any given episode involve living in the city, having graphic weird sex with and/or marrying strangers, doing drugs in nightclubs, banging openly gay men, and tangential monologues in inappropriate situations. None of which I can personally relate to either.

Then there's the nudity. Now I'm not a total prude; a naked body is a naked body. But I'd have to conservatively estimate the ratio of unnecessary to necessary nudity on this show to be about 10:1. It's usually unprompted, inappropriate and painfully awkward.

Like I said, there was a good period of time where I was riding the Girls bandwagon. The critics love Hannah (Lena Dunham)'s fearlessness to write, direct and star in her own provocative scenes. "Good for her!" people say, "She's unapologetic for who she is and shines a spotlight on real women's bodies and insecurities." And if she's helping insecure people or people who feel like they're not represented on television, I'm being honest ... that's awesome.

For me, personally, I'm signing off. I can't watch another minute of this show. I refuse to watch her whine one more time about her problems while dancing around in a hideous onesie jumper, banging weird hot hippie strangers on a Sunday afternoon, then playing ping pong naked for no reason. Can't do it. I shouldn't have wasted my time watching a season and a half's worth of episodes thinking I'd find something I relate to or connect with anywhere in this show.

I might've just been watching for shots of this guy. It's a strong possibility.

The lesson here? I find more relateable emotion in the eyes of a crystal meth cook than a quirky twentysomething.

Wait..... what? 

Two Girls Walk Into a Bar....

So I've never been much a bar dweller. In fact, apart from the standard rite-of-passage allotment of sloppy college nights, I'm not usually a big drinker. So when my friend Kim and I decided to go out to a bar a few Fridays ago, we were pretty excited to be doing something different. Something that didn't involve surfing YouTube and ordering Chinese take-out.

I have to say, having experienced the bar scene for the first time in a while, it's quite a sociological study. We walked in, squeezed a path through the bumbling crowd, and managed to score the last two stools. And we didn't need to move a muscle after that. As we were about to find out, the entertainment would come to us.

Before I introduce them, it's amusing to know that all of the following people are related, in some twisted Kevin Bacon way, to a guy named Johnny. We met his best friends from home, his college buddies, some lady friends, a handful of cousins, his mom... But we never met Johnny himself and part of us still doubts his existence.

The cast of characters (in order of appearance):

• Overconfident Frat Boy Impressing His Female Groupies
• A friend of Johnny comes sidling up, showcasing dorky dance moves. He looks back at his giggling tribe of lady companions. We're not sure if he wants us to join in or just sit there baffled. We go with something in between - a few silly body movements, followed by an awkward staring contest. Finally, he moonwalks away.

• Little Miss Lack of Spatial Awareness
• Just as we're getting back to our conversation, some twenty-something in a half-shirt dives between me and the stranger on the next stool. She's waving a $20 in the busy bartender's face. Her boobs are pressed against the counter and I've lost so much personal space, I'm practically sitting in Kim's lap. Johnny's girlfriend's cleavage and aggressive approach get her served quickly, which ends up being a real blessing for my lungs as I can now breathe again. Cue drink spilled on my coat. 

• Mr. and Mrs. Infidelity
• At some point, I realize that the stranger to my left is cute and sitting alone. These qualifications make him a worthy candidate, I figure, so I introduce myself. Within a few minutes, we're in full flirt mode and he's whispering sweet nothings in my ear. (Make that loud nothings yelled directly into my ear canal; the music was on full blast.) But no sooner does his hand leave the small of my back than he is making out with the closest blonde chick. "Your girlfriend?" I ask him in between incredulous laughs. "Yep, five years," he replies, winking, "Kind-of wish we weren't together tonight though." Wow, okay. Over his shoulder, his girlfriend is grinding against another guy. These two are a match made in adulterous heaven.

• Guy Pearce from Memento
•  I turn around to check in with Kim. Her latest suitor is leaning all rico-suave against the bar, but I soon realize what Kim has been dealing with for the past ten minutes. First off, he's super drunk. Secondly, he's about as rico and suave as a Brillo pad. Somewhere amidst all of this, we learn that he's Johnny's (socially inept) second cousin. Of course he is. He keeps blurting out the one pick-up line he must have practiced in the mirror that morning, then immediately becoming unsure, awkward or accidentally offensive. The best part? In these moments, the seven shots he has just taken are swimming around his head, instructing him to revert back to that tried-and-true pick-up line. So he introduces himself again. And again. And again. And though he seems to know his name pretty damn well, he sure doesn't know Kim's. So by Round 10 of this mind-numbing cycle, we both stick our hands out. "Hi, I'm Kim," I say. "The name's Jill," announces Kim.

•  Lance Bass, Still in the Closet
• Okay, he's not that flaming. But, by my estimations, he likes dudes. He's trying to flirt, but I'm a little jaded by what the male population has had to offer tonight. Which makes the coincidence that our names rhyme - which he's pointed out every other breath - considerably less funny. Sweet kid, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was Johnny's gay lover.

Ode to a Third Grader

Fresh off a five-month position as a third grade teacher, I have gained a lot - perspective; ideas for the future; the ability to yell at a group of small children with ease. But there's so much more to be shared. So rather than writing the next great American novel on the trials and tribulations of being an educator, I'm choosing instead to close this chaotic chapter in my life with a series of succinct Top 3 lists. As a forewarning, these lists are all derived from my worst days as an educator - for humor's sake - and ignore the great ones.

Top 3 Quotes That Have Fallen Out of My Mouth

3.) I’m not impressed with how cool you think you are. Take a seat.”

2.) “Whatever you need, the answer’s no. Walk away from me.”

1.) “At this point in the day, Stephen, I don’t care. Find me tomorrow and see if I care then.”

Top 3 Incidents

    3.) That time the sink overflowed in the middle of a lesson, all hell broke loose and I spent the next twenty minutes on my hands and knees shooing away children and mopping up dirty water with 1/2 ply paper towels.

    2.) That time when, in a moment of frustration, I threw a pen forcefully across the room towards my desk. Except the toss came up short and it hit an unsuspecting 8-year-old directly in the face. Time stood still. Both of our jaws dropped. The ringing of angry phone calls echoed in my ears. Then one month later, the aforementioned kid accidentally pegged me hard in the face with a beanbag so I guess we’re even.

 1.) That time when I wished for something different to arise in my day
      to break up the monotonous school day routine, then promptly regretted it. The time is 2 PM. The lesson? Level I Geometry. All students are seated and accounted for when suddenly a putrid, unmistakable odor wafts into my nostrils. I scan the room and there it lies: a turd. My brain struggles to compute its existence on my classroom floor, but as a mature adult I know it is my responsibility to take charge of the situation. Which, naturally, involves calling Jon the custodian to come clean it up for me. How did it get there? We'll never know for sure. But next time you have an accident on the job, take notes from this stealthy third grader: Shake it out your pant leg and get back to work.

Top 3 Skills Gained

3.) A keen ability to listen and respond to five questions at once. Sounds a little something like this: "Bobby, yes. Lucas, in five minutes. Hannah, page 37. Grace, second shelf on the right. Josh, the answer's 12."

    2.) Sharpening pencils like a boss. They're needed at all hours of the school day and yet they appear, disappear, break, become dull, snap or are rendered otherwise unusable at a ridiculous rate.

    1.) The perfect death stare. Say you've pulled a guided reading group or you're in the middle of progress monitoring a kid. You look up and see young Billy hanging from the ceiling lights. Not a good time to yell? No problem... just switch on the anger and shoot daggers from your eyes until Billy turns and sees the face of wrath staring him down. No words needed and Billy is promptly back to work.

Top 3 Lessons Learned

3.) Kids are resilient. In my five-month tenure at Anonymous Elementary, I was yelling or punishing these children at least half the time. I'd say 50% of the time would be rounding down. It was always warranted by some kind of impulsive misbehavior, but I was still concerned that they'd forever associate my name with an image of the Trunchbull or Cruella de Ville. Then the day finally came and there they were hugging me from all sides and dropping chocolates and roses in my lap. Glad to know that they see around the discipline and know I really do care.

2.) If you give a kid something, don’t expect them to still have it in their possession sixty seconds later. If I had a donut for every time I heard "I lost that paper", I'd be clinically obese now. Where did you put it?!! Did you ball it up and throw it out? Swallow it? Fold it into an origami crane and fly it out the window? Good lord, children.

1.) Left to their own devices, kids will regress into a form not unlike their ape ancestors. I am no longer surprised if, in the span of ten seconds, each of them has crawled onto a high shelf, stood up on a table, began sprinting around the perimeter of the room or initiated a round of arm wrestling to flex their pre-pubescent muscles. Indoor recess looks like the stampede scene from Jumanji. 

Top 3 Responses on a Test or Student Survey

3.) Question: If you had three wishes, what would they be?

     Answer: I wish to get good grades. I wish I was in love. I wish I have 500 cats. (Who doesn't?)

2.) Question: Name one thing you are certain will not happen.

     Answer: I will not get older than God.  (Accurate.)

1.) Question: What is your least favorite subject?

     Answer:  pretending to be a princess   (WTF?)

X Factor Travesty

I have recently bared witness to a tragedy that, for whatever reason, has yet to grace the front page of any major newspaper. I, for one, am outraged. A transgression this deep should be making national headlines. I've spent the last two weeks reeling from the impact of such profound civil injustice. And to think - the majority of the public played a role in this mess, however small, and how they sleep at night is beyond me.

I am, of course, referring to the season finale of the X Factor.

Let me set the scene for those of you on The Voice bandwagon who are missing out on an even better competition just two channels away. After the mandatory number of weeks, thousands of singing hopefuls - mostly gimmick-y, mediocre fame chasers - got whittled down to just three acts.

I'll describe them to you now with all the obvious bias and favoritism I can muster:

Fifth Harmony - These ladies all came in as solo acts. Then Simon Cowell got a twinkle in his eye, similar to the one that birthed teenaged royalty One Direction, waved his magic wand and boom! A girl group. They were underdogs for the entire competition, mostly due to almost-weekly name changes and the fact that they had just met 10 minutes prior. Over time, the girls known as LYLAS (wow) became 4231 (wtf?) and eventually blossomed into Fifth Harmony. They found their sound and a gaggle of devoted Twitter followers in the final few weeks, which earned them third place.

Conclusion: They've got serious talent and adorable personalities. Definitely a group to watch out for!

Carly Rose Sonenclar - Since I was a kid, I've gone through periods of obsession with different music artists. From Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls to John Mayer and Pentatonix, there's always a fixation. What I'm saying is I should have seen this coming. The minute I saw this girl perform, I was hooked. She's 13, has been on Broadway and if Adele, Beyonce and Celine were having a tea party, Carly would be the guest of honor. She's a prodigy. Her raw talent is incredible and her confidence is ridiculously disproportional to her age. I could go on, but what I'm really doing is trying to justify the number of times I've watched her on YouTube in the last week. The view count is embarrassing but completely warranted by this little diva.

Conclusion: Here's where the travesty comes in. She finished out the competition in second place - I know, choke back the tears - to a cowboy buffoon I'll introduce to you now.

Tate Stevens - I have to get up for work in five hours and his story's not worth the lost sleep, so here are the key points: He's 37. I'm pretty sure he sleeps wearing a ten-gallon hat; I've never seen his hair. He sings country songs as well as any ordinary Texan riding through town, but he's boring as hell. He doesn't have the X Factor nor does he know how to spell it. I skipped most of the performances he gave - thanks, DVR! Yet some unidentified group of U.S. citizens passed over Carly's unprecedented genius and gave this joker enough votes to win. I've thought long and hard for an unreasonable amount of time and can attribute this mass lapse of judgment to two things: 

•  Country lovers are blind. They'll vote for anything with a twang in their voice and a spur on their heel. Essentially these people voted for an overall genre, not a singer.
• People love a good sob story. Tate probably heard Carly casually warming up in the dressing room next door, went into survival mode and called his wife. "Shit! We gotta play up this poor man's angle, honey. Cry harder next week when the camera pans to you." I sound heartless, I know. But this is a competition of singing, not sympathy. The fact that you may not have a job when you return home and you've dreamed of being Garth Brooks since you were a kid is sad, yes but unfortunately irrelevant to anything related to this show.  

Conclusion: In my eyes, it's not even a matter of opinion. Carly is, in every way, a superior and more marketable vocalist than Cowboy McGee. I realize she'll go far anyway, but it should've been an open-and-shut case. Carly for the win.

That being said, I just read in the news that all three acts are getting record deals with Simon. So all of the above is moot. You're welcome!