Book It

I'm not usually the type of person who goes out and gets the newest gadgets or the next "big thing" in fashion. So I was a skeptic at first when these book tablets like Kindles and Nooks started showing up. I thought books were something that shouldn't be messed with and that e-Reader could possibly compare. Until I realized how cool they were. I still have reservations, but they were suppressed a great deal when I laid hands on my very own Kindle Fire. I'd still hate to say I was a part of "the downfall of the book", but when you really examine it - I have high hopes that all forms of literature can co-exist.

Kindle Fire - Value for your money is reason enough to own one of these things. They're being sold at $200. More specifically, $199, as if anyone looks at that number and rounds down to $100. Either way, that's less than it's costing to make them. Someone's scared of Apple. Based on sales, Apple's their main competitor. Based on common sense, they shouldn't be. If a kid ran up to you, snapped your laptop in half, then tried to charge you $700 for the monitor... that's essentially the iPad. 

On the other hand, you've got the Kindle Fire. It's lightweight. It's the adorable size of a paperback book and has more things in it than your family's junk drawer. Color magazines. A lending library. Free apps & games. Documents. Wi-Fi internet. Books downloaded into your palm without even having to get up. Your music and radio stations from around the country. The list goes on and I'm in love with it. I just read a 900 page book and instead of lugging around an obnoxiously sized hardback, I was able to easily carry around the Kindle and read it anywhere. I've always liked to read, but this thing has me flying through books and loving it.

Books -  On the other hand, there's nothing like a good ol' fashioned BOOK. A few weeks in the honeymoon phase with my Kindle, I walked around a Barnes & Noble. It was like visiting a long-lost friend. Bookstores just make me happy. The smell of newly-bound books, the coziness of arm chairs & cafes... you can't beat the atmosphere. But I didn't realize how much I missed it until I walked up and flipped through a book. It had been a while, and I have to say it was more satisfying than dragging my finger across a glossy electronic screen. There's something great about curling up with a real book with worn, dog-eared pages.  Instead of a notification telling you you've completed 64% of a story, you can actually feel the width of the part you've read and compare it to the section you still have to finish.

Like I said, I'd hate to be a part of the "downfall" of the book. We've already been a witness to the end of cassette tapes, VCRs, Discmans, and even worse - the video store. (Side bar: I want to see a movie that's older than a month ago but newer than the day I was born, where can I find it? Without stores like Blockbuster, they're like lost toys waiting to be discovered and purchased on eBay. Sad.)   Anyway, I'd hope tablets and books can live peacefully side-by-side, hopefully setting an example for people. 'Cause a good majority of the human race have yet to learn how to do that.

Shopping Hazards

Most women love shopping; that's a given. The average guy's dream day would be spent on the couch in front of an NFL game with a cheesesteak and a beer. But ask any girl and she'll opt for a semi-annual sale at Vicky's, a marathon run around Macy's and a couple of shoegasms. I guess I'm an exception to the rule.

I strongly dislike shopping. New clothes? Absolutely. If a personal shopper wants to hit up the mall for me and drop off a new shipment from H&M at my doorstep, please and thank you. But since I'm not Oprah Winfrey, I have to resort to doing it myself. So without further ado, the top three reasons why shopping sucks:

#3 - Other Shoppers

If you want to see me in my most agitated state, skip the rush-hour traffic and the room full of spiders. Just drop me in the middle of the mall on Christmas Eve. That's when the tension is highest and the people are pushiest ("My daughter needs her SKINNY JEANSSS!"), but even a normal shopping trip can be frustrating. Whether it's the soccer mom with no regard for personal space inching up on you in the racks, the line of teenagers walking slower than snails, or just an overwhelming crowd of strangers swarming through every nook and cranny.... I just can't handle it.

#2 - Trying On Clothes

After perusing the racks for twenty minutes, I finally have an armful of clothes in various sizes and colors that may or may not look good. Or fit me, for that matter. But I'm willing to forge ahead and try them on. In a perfect world, I'd just waltz right into the first open room and get started. But no, that's not how it works. I'm obviously a useless peasant who needs to go ask an ornery saleswoman for permission and a key. Once I am granted permission from one of these High Priestesses of Fashion, I am then free to do at least one of two things: 1) embarrass myself by putting on something I didn't realize was hideous or three sizes too small, or 2) waste my time by trying on sixteen articles of clothing, re-hanging them all and leaving with nothing.

#1 - Overzealous Saleswomen

This one really should've been voted into the Bill of Rights. As a citizen of the United States, I reserve the right to walk leisurely into a store, waste as much time as I please, and walk out with nothing more than what I came in with. The most important clause to this Amendment is that I remain undisturbed during the entirety of this process. I don't know what manager thought it would be a good idea to attack his customers with loud, boisterous saleswomen and I can't fathom how this concept spread like wildfire through every store in the mall. What a terrible, pervasive concept. I don't care if the argyle shirts are 30% off or the pants are "buy one, get one free". If you advertise your GD sales well enough, any graduate of elementary school can educate themselves. I don't need to be berated before I make six full steps into your store. If your employees really don't have anything better to do than chase around their customers with smiles and sales pitches, then save yourself some money and don't hire so many. My favorite is: "I'm Jessica. Let me know if I can help you!" Thanks, Jess. I have social skills. If I need help, I'll ask for it. That's how this whole being-a-human works. Until then, go fold that pile of shirts and let me wander aimlessly until I leave this mall with nothing but a Cinnabon.

Will You Accept This Rose?

We've officially reached Season 16 of The Bachelor, and to be honest, I'm not as excited as I've been in the past. The reason was hard to pinpoint at first, but I think it all has to do with the man ABC chose. In seasons past, the Bachelor has been this ab-tastic, ruggedly handsome, wildly unattainable Ken doll. And every year, they'd search far and wide, over mountains and valleys, to find this Greek god and present him in all his glory to the women of the world. Then they got lazy. The producers realized they could air two hours of puppies wrestling, stick it in the 8 PM time slot, call it the Bachelor and still be called Must-See TV. So they started recycling, giving another chance to whichever poor sap got their heart broken the season before. It's worked for the most part, but I knew the train had to come to a halt somewhere and I think we've reached that point.

Ben is cute, don't get me wrong. But he's real-world attractive. I don't want to look at the Bachelor and say, "Wow, he actually looks a lot like that cashier at Wallgreen's." I want muscles for days, a smile to die for, and the pain of knowing I'll never meet anyone of that caliber. That's what makes for great television, and that's what has made the following list of atrocities bearable for the last fifteen years:

1.) Dating Roulette - The idea that a random sample of 25 women are perfect matches for this one man, and it's entirely up to him to decide who he likes. These women have no idea who the Bachelor is going to be ahead of time and yet, from the second each of them steps out of that limo, they are immediately convinced they will marry him and carry his children. Almost never do they say, "Oh, he's not my soul mate. Thanks anyway." They always stay and pine embarrassingly for his attention until they're inevitably sent home and cry like children.

2.) Crazypants Contestants -  I know the producers want a unique group of women on this show each year, but where in the hell do they find these creatures? It's like they've been living underground and this is their first interaction with other humans. 98% of the women have a complete inability to deal with conflict, stress, or rejection of any kind. They're grown women with fairly respectable - if not vague - careers (i.e. self-employed entrepreneur), and yet they can't resist calling each other sluts. And when they're not being unreasonably mean, they're passing out or having a panic attack. Heaven forbid the Bachelor doesn't pick them. "WHY ME???????!!!! Am I so unlovable? Don't I deserve happiness too?" Sure, maybe. But obviously he wasn't feelin' you, so move along. Find a life coach and hopefully grow an ounce of self confidence in the process.

3.)  Delusions of Grandeur -  Like I said, the moment these women see the Bachelor, they have baby names picked out and they're sending out Save-the-Dates. Even if that is how your brain is wired, keep it to yourself. After your first date, you don't need to shout from the mountain tops how in love you are. You don't need to say things like "He's going to be such a great dad to my children!" when Ben high-fives a kid in passing. And by "Do you want another glass of wine?", Ben did not mean "Will you marry me?" When did realistic views of the future go out of style?

4.) Dating in Paradise - I do have to give these women credit where credit is due. If I went on dates like these, I might be madly "in love" in twelve seconds too. They're boarding a plane to Bora Bora where they'll swim with dolphins, explore an ancient cave, make out under a waterfall, then enjoy a moonlight dinner atop an oversized lily pad. Meanwhile the producers are pumping out aphrodisiacs and Marvin Gaye's Greatest Hits. Compare that to any date I've ever been on - generally half-price apps at Applebee's followed by a 90's rom-com on my couch. It's fair to say that ABC's producers could send me to Bora Bora with Ronald McDonald and I'd come back with a rock on my left hand. And a #7 with a Sprite.

5.)  Chris Harrison - This guy is the male version of Vanna White. His job description is laughably simple and we're all secretly jealous that we're not in his shoes. He says the same four lines in every episode and earns - I'm not joking - $60,000 an episode. If I knew I could walk on set from stage left and announce somberly, "Ladies....Ben..... this is the final rose tonight" and call that a CAREER, I'd have dropped out of college years ago.

The sad truth is, however.... The Bachelor's got me reeled in for good. The drama's ridiculous, the women are batshit crazy, and the Bachelor himself is getting more and more average. But I'll still be watching every episode.

Best Web Videos of All Time

Remember life before the Internet? Me neither. Not only can you find the answer to any question you have in less than ten seconds, you can also amuse yourself with never-ending, brainless entertainment. Seriously. Put me in an empty room with nothing but Wi-Fi and a laptop and I'll be happy as a clam for hours. Are clams particularly happy?

Anyway, I've collected my favorite web videos of all time. They've garnered millions of views, given us all a good laugh, served as the best procrastination tool, and dropped our IQs a few points in the process.

Kicking Monster Ask

This one came out my freshmen year of college and I replayed it every day for a month. The kid looks like Dora, first of all. More amazing is that she's three and has taken the necessary measures to make sure no monster will ever get in her way. Her attack plan is to simply "kick his ASK." Adorable. My favorite part is the look of disbelief she gives her mom. "That's not NICE? Listen, Ma, if he gonna come in here.... he gon' kick MY ask. So step off."

Charlie Bit My Finger

Just a simple video of some British children playing around in a La-Z-Boy. And yet, in less than a minute, this adorable little chap experiences the full spectrum of emotion. Everything from joy to confusion to pain to forgiveness. Lesson learned. Don't mess with baby teeth. "That really hurt, Charlie, and it's still..... hurting."

Push-Up Bra

I genuinely can't handle this one. From the second she starts speaking, I am crying laughing. This coming-of-age tale depicts a young woman on a personal journey to find her long lost love Peter. Her greatest obstacles include: 1) keeping her crusty-crust lips well hydrated, 2) drivers who are not "cansidedate" at ALL, 3) a little trick named Rachel who appears to be dating Peter, despite predictions that it's not going to "hoppin", 4) toe-up fires on Kawanga and Lankashire, and 5) social pressures to dip her hair in Kool-Aid and push up her breasts to appear more "white and educated".

Laguna Biyotch

Another one that makes me pee my pants. The greatest thing about this video is that it's not far off from the truth. In all seriousness, at its peak of popularity, MTV could've aired this as a new episode of Laguna Beach. It's conceivable that these spoiled California teenagers would throw a cowboy-themed party, get tired after decorating the room with one paper boot, and collapse on the couch for the rest of the episode. And for those who don't know, Jessica really is an idiot and is berated by all her friends on a daily basis. "JESS-KA! JESS-KA! JESS-KA!" "I'm coming in right now!" "Yeah, I SEE you."

Climbin' In Yo Windows

 Some guy's house was broken into, he told the news about it, then some guys on YouTube Auto-Tuned it. Sheer genius. It was a ridiculous segment to begin with and somehow was reborn into a song that won't leave your head for weeks. Stupid, sure... but catchy as hell.

Potter Puppet Pals

One word: HERRRRRRRRRRRR-MIONE!

Medical Malpractice

I've had a few conversations recently that centered around minor medical issues. My brother-in-law was just talking about having his wisdom teeth taken out. Then a friend of mine was nervous about switching doctors, hoping he wasn't a weirdo. Now, I'm aware that one-upping someone is an obnoxious thing to do. I hate when I'm telling a story and it's blatantly obvious that the person listening has not only tuned out, but is counting the seconds until I'm done talking so they can start regaling me with their more impressive story. "Oh, you think that's bad. Wait 'til you hear this...."

However, in these particular medical categories, I am certain my friends' experiences can not turn out worse than mine. So I use my stories not as a precautionary tale of what painful dangers lie ahead, but as a way of reassuring them. Whatever happens, at least it didn't turn out like this...

Chapter 1: I'll Forgo the Wisdom
After wisdom teeth removal, everyone I know has come home on a Friday, popped some Tylenol, avoided rock hard foods and straws for two days, and been good to go by Monday. I, on the other side, must've had some serious wisdom in those f**kers.

It was Christmas break and all four of my wisdom teeth were impacted. In other words, all hanging out under the gums and pointing in whichever direction they please. So first things first... a nurse put the clamp on my finger that monitors heart rate. If you've never been put in this mind trap, count your blessings. The machine emits a very loud beep that is steady unless, of course, you're breathing. Any inhaling or exhaling made my heart rate increase slightly, making the beeping get faster and louder. As if I wasn't already imagining myself in the electric chair on Death Row, they've gotta strap on this thing. To put myself at ease and avoid nurses running in to check my vital signs, I started holding my breath for seconds at a time. Naturally this did the opposite of the desired effect, making the machine go crazy. Awesome.

Finally, Mr. Surgeon Man comes in and puts a novocaine shot in each corner of my mouth. Sure, standard procedure. A few minutes later, he pokes around and asks if I feel anything. For the love of God, I should've said no. I could only feel it slightly, but having never been in this situation I opted for honesty. So he administered six more shots of novocaine into my gums (one more in each corner, then two more for "good measure"). If you're counting, that's a grand total of ten. In restrospect, this guy might've been the inspiration for the show Little Shop of Horrors. We were fifteen minutes in and I was certain I'd never feel my tongue again. This is more than enough painkiller, you would think, for a routine oral surgery. False.

Surgeon Man goes, "Have you ever had laughing gas before?" I immediately respond with, "Yes, and I really dislike it. I have a strong reaction to it and it makes me sick." Blame selective hearing or indifference, but damn it if he doesn't pop that mask on my face anyway and crank up the gas. One deep breath and I was tripping on acid. Well, I wasn't hallucinating but I was certainly boarding the bus to Crazy Town. To add insult to injury, the guy chose this moment to stab an IV into my arm. Didn't matter how high I was, that still hurt.

When I come to, some indeterminate amount of time later, I'm in an entirely different room and I'm bawling. I'm lying in a room the size of a broom closet on a brown leather couch from the Freudian era. My mom is sitting next to me and neither of us know why there are tears pouring from my face or what to do about it. The doctor pokes his head in and rattles off something patronizing about "females" and "suppressed emotions". When I try to sit up, as expected, I'm really nauseous. But they're on a schedule and I'm ushered out of the office and downstairs. I throw up in the car ride back which comes close to ripping out my stitches. The best part about that - apart from the fact that I didn't have to go back and get re-stitched - was my reaction. At this point I am Mayor of Crazy Town and the only thing I could think to say to my mother after vomiting in the car was "Don't judge meeeeee."

For most people, the worst is over at this point of the story. But not only did the numbness not wear off for eighteen hours, but my teeth o' wisdom were so mangled to begin with that they refused to heal. I had to deal with intense throbbing pain around the clock. I refilled my large prescription of Vicodin, couldn't sleep, ate nothing but pudding and soup, and walked around looking like this kid for two and a half weeks. Sexy, I know. Anyway, I got over it. Now, unless someone's wisdom teeth are growing out the side of their face, this story's become useful in making others feel happier with the cards they've been dealt.


Chapter 2: Some People Shouldn't Be Doctors
Last year, I started coming down with something crappy. After waiting a few days and feeling worse, I figured I should go see what's up. Turns out insurance policies had changed at our usual office, so I followed my mom's recommendation and made an appointment with her doctor. The following events will now be broken down into three separate visits, all within a six day period:

Appointment #1: I show up and sit for an excessive amount of time in the waiting room. When I'm finally ushered back to a room, I meet the doctor and immediately realize she's super snarky and condescending. She does a routine glance into my throat and dramatically falls back against the counter, aghast. The only thing that would've warranted a reaction like this was if my throat were missing. So I ask her what's wrong. She says, "Y-y-your tonsils are huge!" Right, I know. That's why I'm here, buttmunch. Everyone had a recurring illness in their childhood and my flavor of the week was always strep. So I've seen my tonsils gigantic and spotted as often as I've seen them at normal size. She immediately washes her hands (having not really touched anything yet) and asks for my pharmacy's number. Sitting on the exam table, I ask her to grab my cell phone so I can get the number. I swear to you, she looked at the phone like it had just been dropped in a urine sample. I don't have the plague, woman. She was condescending a few more times, but called in the antibiotics and I was outta there.

Appointment #2: I called in two days later to let her know the antibiotics weren't working. Anyone who showed up for 9th grade Biology knows the thing isn't bacterial and would just work itself out naturally. Again, Dr. Neurotic gives me a reaction way past "appropriate". She alerted the church elders and there I was in her office again, being poked with needles like a lab rat.

Appointment #3: Dr. Crazypants called to let me know tests for strep, mono, hepatitis and the flu all came back negative. She made another appointment for me. When I showed up to #3, I sat in the waiting room staring off into space, feeling like absolute death. When the doc saw me through the window, she bolted into the waiting room like I was engulfed in flames. To be fair, I had lost ten pounds and was not lookin' hot. But there's no need to make a scene; she literally cancelled appointments so she could bring me back to her lab that second. When we got there, she paced anxiously like a dog in heat, then sits me down and goes - I shit you not - "You might have AIDS." EXCUSE ME?! There is a higher chance of this woman being Enrique Iglesias in disguise than of me being HIV-positive. But at this point, I am Miranda Priestley's definition of an "incubus of viral plague" so I let the lab technician take all of the blood left in my arm.

Unfortunately, Dr. Jekyll is still unsatisfied and before I know it, I'm on my way to the ER. I lay in a sanitized bed for the next ten hours. I give endless samples, get an unnecessary MRI (radiation for no reason), and two full IV drips before I get sent home and wake up good as new. The best part of the story? When I explain to Dr. Crazypants that I've gotten over my illness over time (as I had predicted on Day 1) she responds nonchalantly with "Oh, yeah. These viruses come and go, no big deal." After all that, she shrugs it off. Yes  ma'am. Definitely NBD.

Mr. President

So we're still ten months away from the next presidential campaign, but I'm already over it. From my point of view, Obama's good to go for the next four years and I'm seeing nothing good from the Republican side. One's got the crazy eyes, another's known only for sexual harassment, and they all hate gay people. Ugh. And to think...  the Season of Incessant Negative Ads isn't even upon us yet.

So to lighten the topic and preserve my own sanity, I'm going to disband all talk about political figures and go straight to something I'm more comfortable with - rating their attractiveness. While I was teaching today, I stumbled upon a poster of all the U.S. presidents. Sure, there are a few handsome guys every couple of decades. In general, though, our country has mostly been led by an army of eyesores.

Ugliest U.S. Presidents

Martin Van Buren (1833-1837)
If my hair disappeared from the top of my head and reappeared in the form of large bushy tufts on the side of my face, I wouldn't be okay with that. But my boy Van Buren here seemed to take pride in whatever follicles were still alive and kicking. If that's keeping your self esteem afloat, by all means. But would it kill you to manscape a little bit? Just trim a bit on the sides? Mousse it back behind your ears? Ew, no. Scratch that. You know what, you ran the country at one point. You rock that high collar and suspicious eyebrow.

George Washington (1789-1797)
Okay, Georgey Boy, I really appreciate your stepping up and playing first ringleader for this circus of a country. Kudos on the Revolution and the Constitution. But let's not ignore the elephant in the room. You're wearing a powdered wig and your teeth are made of wood. www.notsosexy.com

Rutherford B. Hayes (1877-1881)
Now this is a fixer-upper. I see real potential behind those leering eyes and all-encompassing facial hair. Not unlike the shovel-wielding old man in Home Alone. Child molester at first glance, but turns out to be nothing but a lonely grandpa at Christmas. Now, I'm the opposite of a history buff, but if I were asked to name all the presidents, Rutherford would never make the list. Maybe that beard/mustache combo was his biggest legacy.

William Howard Taft (1909-1913)
I'm not going to mention the fact that he got stuck in the White House bathtub. We're gonna breeze right past that one. But I have no qualms with zeroing in on that amazing handlebar mustache. This must've been a trend in the early 1900's... to show up the prepubescent boys and show 'em what a real man's face looks like. That is to say, hidden beneath two furry curlicue ponytails coming out from under one's nose.

Chester A. Arthur (1881-1885)
Holy mutton-chops, Batman! Again with the overgrowth! I don't know what the fashions were back when oil paintings were all the rage, but shit. That's literally another head's worth of hair just from the earlobes down. Share the wealth, man! Or get a clean shave and look 20 years younger. Your call, Chester.



Cutest U.S. Presidents


Andrew Jackson (1829-1837)
I've never looked at a crumpled-up $20 and thought "Damn, he's hot." But this guy is obviously one of the most attractive in the presidential line-up. He's got a full head of toussled hair, a strong jawline and eyes that make the rest of his predecessors look cold and heartless. I'm a fan.

George "Dubya" Bush  (Way Too Long)
I never thought this guy would be on any one of my favorable lists. Considering he's dumb and dug our country into the ground. But in the spirit of fairness, I gotta include this sexy picture from his younger years. No mutton-chops, no dimpled wrinkly skin, and yes I admit... a nice smile. If only we knew what was comin'. 
 




James K. Polk (1845-1849)
Okay, this is a throw-back. But how dapper does this guy look? He's got product in the hair and an air of sophistication. Not to mention he was rocking the preppy popped collar before Ralph Lauren was out of the womb. And if his name wasn't handsome enough, throw in the middle name combo - James Knox. Hell, if I was around in the 1840's, I'd be all over that.

Barack Obama (2008 - present)
Yup. You'd knew he'd show up eventually. He's young, he's handsome, he's knowledgeable and he's the ultimate family man... what's not to love? Here's to four more years, Mr. President.

Quotes To Live By

As far as I can tell, everyone's still basking in the positive energy and rejuvenated spirit that comes with a new year. But just in case you're not, I thought I'd share a few quotes I've held onto over the years. Now, I'm not the type of person to Google search "inspirational words" and plaster them all around me. But there have been a few that have resonated enough with me to become personal mantras.

1) It's never as bad as you think it's going to be.

We've all heard it at some point or another. Responses generally vary between a half-hearted "You're right" (without any conviction that the other person may actually be right) and a defeated "Easy for you to say". But pity party aside, my personal experience has always proved this quote to be true. And yet... only recently did I start really, truly believing it. Whatever this event is that's looming in your future, it can't possibly be as unbearable as you're picturing. With enough fear, anyone can create the most painful worst-case scenario using every "what if?" imaginable. More recently, I heard an adaptation of this quote that hit home even more: "A good nine out of ten bad things I've worried about never happened. A good nine out of ten bad things that did happen never occurred to me to worry about." Amen, sister. Anxiety and fear about the future will never help you; it will only hinder. It'll make you less open to new opportunities and will eventually make you a full-blown paranoid schizophrenic. So accept the unknown and go get yourself a sandwich. Just cause they're yummy.

2) Most of what we see is only what we think about what we see.

It's fascinating to me how perceptions of the world around us are so variable. All of our daily interactions, thoughts and memories are affected by our upbringing, past experiences, personal beliefs, and mood. So while a lot of it is pretty ingrained at this point, it's not permanent. You can change your perception of anything at any time. "Easier said than done!" Absolutely. Without question. But just maybe, by changing your way of thinking, you can focus on the silver lining and see more positive aspects than negative. Or, for even more freedom from yourself, ignore bad thoughts. Don't believe what you think. Your thoughts aren't you. If your mind is telling you you're in a bad mood and the situation you're in sucks, who's to say that's true? If your thoughts are telling you that you're pathetic and gluttonous for eating that Big Mac for lunch, why not focus on what a delicious treat it was, give yourself a compliment and focus on your future fitness goals? That mind of yours can cause more harm than good.

3) Everything happens for a reason.

This one has more to do with personal belief. And by all means, believe whatever you'd like. Personally, I think everything happens for a reason. We're meant to be living the lives we're living. It wasn't an accident to be born into this family, meet these friends, follow this path in life. Forrest Gump said, "I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I....I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time." Well said, Mr. Gump. And that's not to say that we don't have any free will or control over our own lives because of course we do. But at the same time, I try to see everything that happens as purposeful or an opportunity to learn something. It's frustrating sometimes to not know the reasons for things, but it's nice to know the universe has a plan!

Long Necks and Three Horns

I was just talking with a friend about our favorite childhood movies. We each had one or two that the other just straight up had never heard of. I'm sorry to doubt the existence of a movie that was obviously so important to your upbringing, but if you start talking about "Timmy Tom and the Fantastic Underwater Journey" or some such nonsense... I can't help but laugh. Speaking of which, Timmy Tom would make a kickass screenplay. Someone call Spielberg.

But for me, that special movie - apart from a good handful of classic Disneys - was The Land Before Time. Holy crap. I watched that thing so many times it's a wonder it didn't just crumble into dust in the VCR. For those who haven't seen it .... for shame. But I will humor you with a Reader Digest version. (For those who know me, I find it incredibly difficult to create Reader's Digest versions of good stories. Don't ask me about the Casey Anthony trial if you have somewhere to be.)

Essentially, it's about dinosaurs. The film bypasses the proper names for kids' sake and goes for more adorable physical descriptors. There's the Long Necks, the Flyers, the Three-Horns, the Big Mouths and the Spike-Tails, and apparently prehistoric times were pretty racist because these groups of dinos were segregated and very clique-y. Anyway, along comes an "earth shake" and Sharptooth the T-Rex, and all hell breaks loose. Like a depressing precursor to Mufasa's stampede, a baby Long Neck named Little Foot watches his mom die and decides he needs to go find this place called The Great Valley where life doesn't suck so much. And he picks up some crazies to keep him company along the way.

Looking back at this movie now, I realize that these characters are actually very archetypal and remind me of people I've met throughout life. Or maybe, more accurately, they embody qualities that all of us have to some degree but in different combinations. Disclaimer: YES, I'm about to dissect the inner workings of The Land Before Time. YES, I'm aware this is a beyond ridiculous thing to be doing. Now, let's do it.

Little Foot - (The Hesitant Leader)  - Little Foot's the main character and the leader of the group. The death of his Mom lights a fire under him. He decides he's not going to stick around in this hell hole alone and wait for Sharp Tooth to snatch him up with his tiny stunted arms. He knows The Great Valley has got to be his Promise Land, even if it is several days' walk. I think everyone, at least initially, is hesitant to be a leader for others or take action. Whether you hide it and power through or blend into the background like a wallflower is what makes all the difference.

Cera - (The Frenemy) - What a Gossip Girl thing to call her, I know. But you've met one at some point in your life. Cera's a "Three-Horn" and she's a bitch. Picture Veruca Salt ("I want an Oompa Loompa NOW!") Little Foot tries to befriend her and bring her along on his journey, but she's a total ice queen. At least, on the exterior. It becomes obvious that she's just put a wall up so she can't be hurt by others. Slowly she pulls her defenses down (and the stick from her ass) and when she's not being obnoxious, she's a pretty tolerable sweet friend. Who doesn't know someone like that?

Ducky - (The Optimist) - Okay, add on the Big Mouth. Despite having lost her entire family in the "earth shake", she's never without a smile. She's also high-pitched and chock full of energy to an almost irritating degree. But you can't help but love her. Again, we all know someone who refuses to see any glass half empty. Or there's that part of ourselves that hopes for the best and secretly knows being a Debbie Downers never gets you far.

Petri - (The Pessimist) - On the flip side of the same coin is that person, or darker side of yourself, that feeds off of negative energy and stress. Judging by any high schooler's Facebook status, I'd say for every Ducky, there's at least five Petris: "Someone ate my last Choco Taco! FML." Petri was born to a family of Flyers but, for whatever reason, can do nothing but fall. He refuses to try and feels like a failure, like the whole world's against him. Those days suck. And so do the people that refuse to find the silver lining or dig themselves out of a hole. Cue R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly".


Spike - (The Idiot) - Not much to dissect here. The guy's spiky, mute, and a bit of a moron. But his lovable goofiness keeps everyone else in a good mood... and we can all appreciate that. Even Zack Morris needed a Screech.


And now, for bearing with me through that ridiculous analysis, I will reward you with the commercial that preceded The Land Before Time on the original VHS tape. Adorable, class A, 1980's gold. You're welcome.

Super Cool

Welcome to 2012! Everyone handles the start of a new year differently. Some people look behind them and count memorable moments or things they regret from the past..."What made me think that was a good idea?" Others look forward, making a list of overly optimistic and unrealistic resolutions. My sister once decided she was going to write in a journal for the next 365 days. If she stuck to it, the entries must have been written in invisible ink. More recently, my brother resolved to do a series of push ups and sit ups every day for a year. He whined when I reminded him January 1st and that was the end of that.

I've made a few resolutions myself, but they're nothing special. Eat well, move around, don't get obese, avoid the apocalypse.... you know, the usual. What's more interesting is imagining the best way to cope with the real stuff that matters... everyday issues. I was talking to a friend about super powers and which one would be the most useful and awesome. The question's a old favorite - "Which super power would you pick?" The same answers appear time and time again, and I'm here to say, friends, that you're all dead wrong.

First of all, if you asked 100 people on the street, not one of them would give you a selfless answer. Unless you bumped into Mother Theresa at Panera Bread, you're not going to hear "the power to end world hunger" or "a clean water supply in Cambodia". Of course, if given the choice between abolishing AIDS or always knowing where our keys are, the answer's obvious. But that's no fun. We all want to picture ourselves sketched into a comic book with some super tight tights, some sort of half-mask, and above all - a kickass power to show the world. But like I said, it's not what you think.

* DUMB POWERS THAT GET OLD QUICKLY *

Flying - It's probably the most popular answer. But really, where would this get you? You'd fly around, waving to birds, avoiding low-flying planes and giving your friends rides. Meanwhile, everyone else is still ambling around on two feet. So unless your lifelong dream is to assimilate into a society of owls or fly south for the winter, you're better off down here. I bet it's lonely in the clouds.

Reading Minds - Are you kidding me?! Half the words that come out of our mouths are sugarcoated for the other person's benefit, just being said to make polite conversation, or a straight up lie. In other words, the opposite of what we're really thinking. No way in hell would I want the ability to hear anyone's inner monologue. Society would break down and everyone would hate each other. If Sally's complimenting my new sweater and simultaneously imagining burning it with her lighter, nothing good has resulted here. Now I hate Sally and I have to put down another 20 bucks to buy a better sweater.

Super Strength - This is generally a guy's answer, and it's a stupid one. He's probably saying it so he can impress girls around him. As if picking up cars and bending steel is the definition of sexy. We want Brad Pitt, not the Hulk. And if he's saying it to sound competitive to his buddies, that's even less practical. If you're a superhuman defensive end, for example: 1) you'll badly injure any guy you run into, 2) you'll make the game impossible to win for the opposite team, therefore no longer fun, and 3) you'll hurt the egos of every guy you show up and lose all your friends. Super.


Invisibility - The idea of being invisible isn't entirely impractical. But assuming that all other objects are still visible, you'd have to be naked and completely still all day for this to work. Most of the time, you'd just be a moving outfit. And even if you were naked, your friends and family wouldn't exactly need to call in Search and Rescue. "Have you seen Jill?" "Well, no. But I have a good feeling about that floating sandwich."


* BETTER OPTIONS YOU DIDN'T THINK OF *

Multilingual - The ability to understand and speak every language in the world. I can get any job I want. I can move freely around the world, communicating and making friends with anyone and everyone. I can translate anything at any time. Duh.... winning.
 
 Eating without Consequences - It's like Doctors without Borders, but better. I can eat french toast & ice cream for breakfast, three bacon cheeseburgers for lunch, and a six-pack of Cinnabons for dinner. Indefinitely. Without having to go up three jean sizes, battle diabetes and sign up for The Biggest Loser.

Time Travel - Big history test coming up? No problem... just zip back to World War I and see for yourself. Ever wonder what life was like for your family before you showed up in the world? Go take a look.... you know your big brother was probably adorable in a onesie. You could also use this to go into the future but I personally wouldn't. It would freak me out too much. Same principle as mind reading. Life's full of surprises; why spoil it?