Before I introduce them, it's amusing to know that all of the following people are related, in some twisted Kevin Bacon way, to a guy named Johnny. We met his best friends from home, his college buddies, some lady friends, a handful of cousins, his mom... But we never met Johnny himself and part of us still doubts his existence.
The cast of characters (in order of appearance):
- Overconfident Frat Boy Impressing His Female Groupies
- A friend of Johnny comes sidling up, showcasing dorky dance moves. He looks back at his giggling tribe of lady companions. We're not sure if he wants us to join in or just sit there baffled. We go with something in between - a few silly body movements, followed by an awkward staring contest. Finally, he moonwalks away.
- Little Miss Lack of Spatial Awareness
- Just as we're getting back to our conversation, some twenty-something in a half-shirt dives between me and the stranger on the next stool. She's waving a $20 in the busy bartender's face. Her boobs are pressed against the counter and I've lost so much personal space, I'm practically sitting in Kim's lap. Johnny's girlfriend's cleavage and aggressive approach get her served quickly, which ends up being a real blessing for my lungs as I can now breathe again. Cue drink spilled on my coat.
- Mr. and Mrs. Infidelity
- At some point, I realize that the stranger to my left is cute and sitting alone. These qualifications make him a worthy candidate, I figure, so I introduce myself. Within a few minutes, we're in full flirt mode and he's whispering sweet nothings in my ear. (Make that loud nothings yelled directly into my ear canal; the music was on full blast.) But no sooner does his hand leave the small of my back than he is making out with the closest blonde chick. "Your girlfriend?" I ask him in between incredulous laughs. "Yep, five years," he replies, winking, "Kind-of wish we weren't together tonight though." Wow, okay. Over his shoulder, his girlfriend is grinding against another guy. These two are a match made in adulterous heaven.
- Guy Pearce from Memento
- I turn around to check in with Kim. Her latest suitor is leaning all rico-suave against the bar, but I soon realize what Kim has been dealing with for the past ten minutes. First off, he's super drunk. Secondly, he's about as rico and suave as a Brillo pad. Somewhere amidst all of this, we learn that he's Johnny's (socially inept) second cousin. Of course he is. He keeps blurting out the one pick-up line he must have practiced in the mirror that morning, then immediately becoming unsure, awkward or accidentally offensive. The best part? In these moments, the seven shots he has just taken are swimming around his head, instructing him to revert back to that tried-and-true pick-up line. So he introduces himself again. And again. And again. And though he seems to know his name pretty damn well, he sure doesn't know Kim's. So by Round 10 of this mind-numbing cycle, we both stick our hands out. "Hi, I'm Kim," I say. "The name's Jill," announces Kim.
- Lance Bass, Still in the Closet
- Okay, he's not that flaming. But, by my estimations, he likes dudes. He's trying to flirt, but I'm a little jaded by what the male population has had to offer tonight. Which makes the coincidence that our names rhyme - which he's pointed out every other breath - considerably less funny. Sweet kid, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was Johnny's gay lover.
