Recent Revelations

So I thought I'd share some thoughts that have made their way through my head recently. None of which are important, relevant to anything or .... let's face it, worth sharing with anyone. Excited yet? Great, here we go.

1.) Self check outs suck.  They really should have never been invented. In theory, once you get past the fact that jobs are being outsourced to machines, it's a pretty nifty idea. Let's say you only have a carton of eggs and a Kiwi-Strawberry Snapple. First off, should've gone with Peach. Secondly, it does make sense to just scan those suckers yourself and be on your way. Unfortunately, these computers have all been programmed with the temperament of Veruca Salt. 

If you don't swipe the item perfectly, it won't scan. If you swipe it too quickly, it scans twice. And heaven forbid you're buying produce. I could plant an apple tree in the time it takes to look up a Granny Smith on one of these things. One time, I scanned a potato as a pear and got a nasty side glance from the woman behind me. (Like this was some crime wave - kids masquerading one fruit as another and embezzling the ten-cent difference.) Then I scanned a cucumber and it charged me 9 bucks. So as I'm standing there contemplating how to get my money back, the computer starts yelling at me for not putting the $9 cucumber on the belt fast enough. On cue, the woman behind me starts clearing her throat, as if I was standing there peeling my fruit before deciding to pay. I'm trying, woman, but I'm fairly certain that the Greek yogurt I'm scanning has a higher IQ than this God-forsaken machine.

2.) When I say I like driving, I mean sometimes. Only when there is no traffic whatsoever and I can glide effortlessly to my destination in less than 40 minutes. Any more than 40 and I start yelling at the other cars for being in my way.

3.) If I had three wishes, after fixing world hunger and poverty, I would genuinely wish to never have to blow dry my hair ever again.

4.) Comfort trumps almost anything for me, with the exception of convenience. I'd rather carry seven shopping bags per arm and endure one painful, circulation-pinching trip into the house than take three or four easy breezy trips to and from the car.

5.) A handful of my favorite male singer/songwriters have recently found ways to make themselves as unattractive as possible. Jason Mraz started smoking even more weed, grew his hair out, and stopped washing it. Even worse is John Mayer! He took some time out of the spotlight to cook up a new kind of crazy. This year's model comes complete with jean jackets, suede boots, long ass ugly hair, and that DAMN hat. I've never seen a more ridiculous thing perched on top of anyone's head. Except maybe this.

6.) My favorite shoe in the whole world is the flip flop. According to people who care about feet, it beats high heels and Crocs for #1 on the list of "Don't Put These Things On Your Feet", but I'm a loyal fan. And once they've graced my feet for the first time in a season, that's it. If there's a freak blizzard in the middle of July, I refuse to go back to a closed-toe shoe.

7.) I may or may not be mildly allergic to cats. All I know is I can breathe quite a bit better ever since my cats died.


8.) Cake > Brownies. 
     Ice cream > Cake. 
     Ice cream cake > All three.

9.) They sprinkle crack cocaine in French Onion Sun Chips bags. This isn't a revelation as it is a strong suspicion. How else would such an addiction take hold after just one chip? Come to think of it.... peanut butter M&Ms might be part of this drug conspiracy, as well. 

10.)  Having not even the prospect of a wedding in sight, I still feel confident in saying I will be a thrifty ass bride when the day does come. To each her own, but I personally refuse to spend all the money I'll ever see in my lifetime in a matter of hours. For example, my dress? I will choose the prettiest ivory gown within arm's reach (with a nice low price tag) and call it a day.