I Don't Understand What You Just Said

Everyone has the right to be who they are. Differences make life interesting. It takes all kinds to make the world go 'round. So on and so forth.

We've all heard 'em. And they're true, of course. To each his own! But personally, these little kitschy fortune cookie pearls of wisdom don't always cut it. Sometimes, I still find it difficult to see things from other perspectives. I just straight up do not understand where they're coming from.

"I've been rollin' on dubs in my 2013 Lexus GT 5000 X... gettin' new rims right after I get it back from the shop. I'm gettin' new interiors and that V-8 engine souped up."

I'm sorry?! Now, first of all, my lack of understanding about cars stems from a complete lack of interest. Couldn't care less. So the above statement is probably 85-90% nonsense.... I just want you to know that I know. With that said, I don't know where the rom-com cliches all came from. Usually something involving the girl-next-door being stood up on prom night and crying into the tulle of her dress. Then the sexy first-string quarterback drives up in some kind of two-door hot rod and breaks the social mold by sweeping Plain Jane off her feet and to the prom as his date. Okay, so that wasn't a cliche so much as something I made up just now. But it is a cliche that guys are somehow more attractive if they own some shiny sports convertible. And if cliches are born from truth, then it must just be me that's out of the loop. I'm so unimpressed by it all. I wouldn't think twice about getting into your '97 Honda Civic and helping you smack the dashboard a few times to get the radio working.

"Pick me up four more packs of Marlboros."

I know that smoking is a physiological addiction. I've known this since middle school when they played a VHS tape about a guy with a robot voice-box and one lung. But I just don't understand it. Habits are hard to break and I, like everyone else, have experienced a few stubborn ones. But if someone came up to me years ago and went, "Honey, don't suck your thumb. It'll give you cancer"? Well, shit. Consider me cured. Cold turkey. And I know a habit like that isn't the same kind of addiction, but what's so yummy about sucking black tar into your chest out of a flaming carcinogenic stick?

“Can’t decide who’s got a better sound: Nine Inch Nails or Korn.” 

I can help you out, brotha; the answer is neither. I'm a fan of most types of music. I always feel like a good song is a good song, with the exception of two genres. I've been swayed by the likes of Carrie Underwood and Taylor Swift to get on board with the Top 40 country pop, but no thank you to the hardcore Nashville tractor-lovin' rocking-chairs-on-the-porch anthems. Not a fan. More significantly, though - and here's where Korn with a "K" comes in -  the genre that's been crossed off my list forever is anything loud and abrasive enough to make one's head bang and ears bleed. I don't know why anyone even bothers defending it because it's not even music. No melody, no vocal talent.... just black eyeliner, dreads, screaming, and mosh pit concussions.

"Poor guy, he's six over par."

This is not to say that I don't understand the rules of golf. The basics of the game are pretty straightforward if you ignore the lingo and/or pick up a club at random with no regard for the distance or difficulty of your next shot. Golf has gotten more popular over the last several years and while I myself don't have a Tiger Woods bumper sticker on my car (I would've removed that by now anyway), I respect that others love it. I can get behind the idea of a relaxing Sunday afternoon on the green with your buddies, but on TELEVISION?! I draw the line. The whispering announcer, the hushed crowd, the argyle sweater vests and polos.... come on. Miss Congeniality in on TBS again. There's a rerun of Family Matters on Nick at Nite. Anything is less sleep-inducing than this.

“Johnny Depp is hot."
 
I don't get it. There's Ryan Gosling, Zac Efron, David Beckham, Channing Tatum...... and then there's this guy. I think he's a great actor and I'm sure a stand-up guy, but he's not my cup of tea. If he kept his hair cut and his face clean-shaven and his Crocodile Dundee hats in the attic and his bracelets in a jewelry box somewhere, then absolutely. But I think it's really saying something if I think he's most attractive when playing a sarcastic, swash-buckling pirate. Speaking of which, what's a swash and how does one buckle it?

“You know what would look so cute with this top? Spandex.”  

 I don't know when it became okay to wear sheer tights as pants, but I can't wait for that trend to see its way out. The whole point of tights to begin with was to wear them under dresses to be more demure and lady-like. Then some community of people - probably one that frequents Wal Mart - thought they'd save themselves the trouble and ditch the bottoms altogether. Here's my Day-of-the-Week underwear! Yay, it's Saturday!

“You suck. Bieber sucks. Everyone sucks but me.” 

Ever since teenagers got a hold of the Internet, the world has been completely swallowed up by rampant negativity. Doesn't matter what I'm looking at. It can be a YouTube clip of Elmo tap dancing, and I can rest assured, when I stroll down there will be 250-300 comments to the tune of "You call that dancing? F*** you, muppet. Oh and I hate gays." Just the most ridiculous, irrelevant, ignorant comments being spewed out by insecure pre-teens hiding behind the anonymity of their computers. What did Elmo ever do to you?

"I have to find those blue pumps. They'd go so well with my blue bedazzled sweatpants, blue halter-top, blue sunglasses and blue lipstick."

I get confused when I see people out in public resembling Violet Bouregarde as a blueberry or a pawn from the game CandyLand. They must think that looks awesome. For me, monochromatic outfits are not the way to go. Like Stacy and Clinton say, "It doesn't have to match; it has to goooo." So all I'm saying is maybe spice up that look with a little pop of color and a neutral. Just an idea. Oh, and throw away the blue lipstick and anything bedazzled.