Ode to a Third Grader

Fresh off a five-month position as a third grade teacher, I have gained a lot - perspective; ideas for the future; the ability to yell at a group of small children with ease. But there's so much more to be shared. So rather than writing the next great American novel on the trials and tribulations of being an educator, I'm choosing instead to close this chaotic chapter in my life with a series of succinct Top 3 lists. As a forewarning, these lists are all derived from my worst days as an educator - for humor's sake - and ignore the great ones.

Top 3 Quotes That Have Fallen Out of My Mouth

3.) I’m not impressed with how cool you think you are. Take a seat.”

2.) “Whatever you need, the answer’s no. Walk away from me.”

1.) “At this point in the day, Stephen, I don’t care. Find me tomorrow and see if I care then.”

Top 3 Incidents

    3.) That time the sink overflowed in the middle of a lesson, all hell broke loose and I spent the next twenty minutes on my hands and knees shooing away children and mopping up dirty water with 1/2 ply paper towels.

    2.) That time when, in a moment of frustration, I threw a pen forcefully across the room towards my desk. Except the toss came up short and it hit an unsuspecting 8-year-old directly in the face. Time stood still. Both of our jaws dropped. The ringing of angry phone calls echoed in my ears. Then one month later, the aforementioned kid accidentally pegged me hard in the face with a beanbag so I guess we’re even.

 1.) That time when I wished for something different to arise in my day
      to break up the monotonous school day routine, then promptly regretted it. The time is 2 PM. The lesson? Level I Geometry. All students are seated and accounted for when suddenly a putrid, unmistakable odor wafts into my nostrils. I scan the room and there it lies: a turd. My brain struggles to compute its existence on my classroom floor, but as a mature adult I know it is my responsibility to take charge of the situation. Which, naturally, involves calling Jon the custodian to come clean it up for me. How did it get there? We'll never know for sure. But next time you have an accident on the job, take notes from this stealthy third grader: Shake it out your pant leg and get back to work.

Top 3 Skills Gained

3.) A keen ability to listen and respond to five questions at once. Sounds a little something like this: "Bobby, yes. Lucas, in five minutes. Hannah, page 37. Grace, second shelf on the right. Josh, the answer's 12."

    2.) Sharpening pencils like a boss. They're needed at all hours of the school day and yet they appear, disappear, break, become dull, snap or are rendered otherwise unusable at a ridiculous rate.

    1.) The perfect death stare. Say you've pulled a guided reading group or you're in the middle of progress monitoring a kid. You look up and see young Billy hanging from the ceiling lights. Not a good time to yell? No problem... just switch on the anger and shoot daggers from your eyes until Billy turns and sees the face of wrath staring him down. No words needed and Billy is promptly back to work.

Top 3 Lessons Learned

3.) Kids are resilient. In my five-month tenure at Anonymous Elementary, I was yelling or punishing these children at least half the time. I'd say 50% of the time would be rounding down. It was always warranted by some kind of impulsive misbehavior, but I was still concerned that they'd forever associate my name with an image of the Trunchbull or Cruella de Ville. Then the day finally came and there they were hugging me from all sides and dropping chocolates and roses in my lap. Glad to know that they see around the discipline and know I really do care.

2.) If you give a kid something, don’t expect them to still have it in their possession sixty seconds later. If I had a donut for every time I heard "I lost that paper", I'd be clinically obese now. Where did you put it?!! Did you ball it up and throw it out? Swallow it? Fold it into an origami crane and fly it out the window? Good lord, children.

1.) Left to their own devices, kids will regress into a form not unlike their ape ancestors. I am no longer surprised if, in the span of ten seconds, each of them has crawled onto a high shelf, stood up on a table, began sprinting around the perimeter of the room or initiated a round of arm wrestling to flex their pre-pubescent muscles. Indoor recess looks like the stampede scene from Jumanji. 

Top 3 Responses on a Test or Student Survey

3.) Question: If you had three wishes, what would they be?

     Answer: I wish to get good grades. I wish I was in love. I wish I have 500 cats. (Who doesn't?)

2.) Question: Name one thing you are certain will not happen.

     Answer: I will not get older than God.  (Accurate.)

1.) Question: What is your least favorite subject?

     Answer:  pretending to be a princess   (WTF?)