What's the Opposite of Bridezilla?

Well it's that time of year again, folks. Wedding planners are booked through the summer, florists are in high demand and engagement photos are abundantly sprinkled across everyone's News Feed. Save-the-Dates adorn the fridge of every house you visit. On any given rainy day, you can practically hear the bridezillas from coast to coast cursing the gods of fate and weather.

Weddings are a $50-billion-a-year industry. On average, 500 people are married in the U.S. every day. In short, they're a big deal. And I can understand it to a degree. I love the idea of a marriage and the meaning of it. I love celebrating the union of two people in a fun, fancy way that says "This is no ordinary day." I get why it's a much bigger deal that planning a family BBQ.

That being said, there is one overarching concept that I will never comprehend about weddings: cost.

Let's imagine for a second that a man and woman go on a leisurely afternoon trip to Target, spend $40,000, then head back home. That's essentially what your average engaged couple is doing. Out of context, who still thinks it sounds acceptable to see a year's salary spent in a matter of hours? It's one party one day.

I know I'm in the minority on this, having never imagined my wedding day as a little girl or scrawled my signature with different last names into a Lisa Frank Trapper-Keeper. But my future husband doesn't know how lucky he is. I'm about to save him a buttload of money.

Things I Refuse To Spend Lots of Money On
(Spoiler Alert: It's Most Things) 

1) My Dress

The large majority of brides are willing to pay at least a grand on the dress alone. Again I ask.... WTF? It's a dress. You'll absolutely only wear it once; that's not even arguable. I know the point is to look like you're a Disney fairy princess waiting outside the ball for your prince to whisk you off into your sunset. But you know what else is pretty? Another dress that's half the price. Here and now, I vow to drive up to the nearest discount bridal shop, stick an arm out and buy the first pretty ivory dress my fingers touch. I'll still look nice and I won't have to take a second mortgage out on my home.

2) The Bridesmaids' Dresses

These dresses all look the same. Usually strapless or with little straps, slightly pleated for some texture, then either knee or floor length. And the average price for these things is $250. I know Dolce and Gabbana make versions of this dress. I'm sure Christian Dior does too. You know who else does? The Target in the suburbs of Philadelphia. Not only will I be ordering $40 dresses for all my bridesmaids, I also plan on buying them for them. Who invented the modern grandiose wedding and put in the rule book: "Bridesmaids must buy their
own dresses"? If most women have hopped on board the Expensive Express and dropped a year's salary on their Special Day, why wouldn't the cost of the bridesmaids' dresses be included? You're effectively gathering around a handful of your closest loved ones and asking them, "Would you please be a part of my wedding? I would be honored to have you there by my side. You will? Wow, that's so wonderful. Okay, that'll be $250 for the dress, $50 for altering, $50 for the gift, $150 for the bachelorette party, another $50 for your part of the bridal shower....." No judgment towards those girls asking their bridesmaids to help by paying for their dresses; I know that's tradition. I just think there's room for some cutbacks here.

3) Venue

Who wouldn't want to be married in a solid gold mansion perched atop the French Alps? That sounds like a lovely place to recite one's vows. Unfortunately, my future fiance and I would have to offer a down payment of our entire life savings along with an annual interest of 50%, our first born, and my left leg. So ya know ... maybe we'll just find a nice meadow and sparkle it up like Bella & Edward. Or set up some towels on the prettiest dune in Ocean City, New Jersey. Sure, I'd like my ceremony to be in a nice-looking place that accommodates everyone, but I think there's room for cutbacks here too.

4) Flowers & Centerpieces

Pop quiz: Does an arrangement containing my weight in flowers brighten up a room? Yes, yes it does. Unfortunately, they're also super pricey and die within a week. I'll absolutely have flowers at my wedding but I plan on keeping the whole as minimalistic as possible. A couple of little bunches around the ceremony sound lovely and sure, bridesmaids, hold onto these bouquets. But I don't need to say "I do" in a bed of daylilies I planted and nurtured myself. And I don't need flower pots dangling from the ceiling or lining the rows of chairs. While we're simplifying everything & saving money, I also expect to make some cute, cheap centerpieces in one afternoon. Haven't thought it through entirely - if that wasn't already clear - but I'm picturing some table numbers I typed up in Microsoft Word, some plastic Dollar Tree fishbowls, and a few pics of me & my husband-to-be.

5) Save the Dates

Skipping them altogether. No, really. As soon as we're engaged, we'll figure out the venue & catering choices and you'll be getting your one and only invitation on cute cardstock. "Here's the date. Please come. Love you all!" Except classier choice of phrasing. The way I see it - no need to dole out the money for two rounds of invites. Let's spend that money elsewhere! Yay!

6) Cake

Let's face it - by the time the dessert course rolls around, everyone's out on the dance floor anyway. You might Electric Slide back to your assigned table to shovel a few forkfuls of raspberry butter creme down your throat before going back out to shake your groove thang. Thang? Is it thang or thing? Both are embarrassing and outdated? You're correct. Anyway, my master plan will be executed in steps. Step 1: Get a fake cake. Something that looks like an elegant masterpiece of fondant and icing swirls but is actually hollow

or stuffed with cardboard. Step 2: Have one real piece made if I feel like doing the "cut the cake" picture with my hubby. Might even skip this step. Step 3: Get a delicious and super cheap sheet cake from the lowest priced bakery in the area. Pre-cut everyone's slices from this cake beforehand and bring these out to everyone. Hundreds of dollars saved. Of course, there's the alternate plan which forgoes the cake altogether
and brings everyone out some cheap, sugar-filled, pretty, scrumptious cupcakes instead. Or this cake of a black woman.

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The list goes on and on. You get the picture. It's every woman's prerogative to plan and execute the wedding of her dreams. This is just one girl's perspective on her future plans. In case you're wondering if there's anything I would be willing to splurge on, the answer's yes. The photographer. To me, that's huge and a professional album is worth every penny. Also? Food.