Live, Laugh, Love

So I was going to list off things I wish didn't exist, but decided to opt for a more positive post. I consider myself a pretty positive person, so why waste time hunched over my laptop rattling off the worst things about life? (In case you were curious, the list would've included such atrocities as: sweat, wrinkles (in clothes; I'm not old), extra body fat, any job that begins earlier than 10 AM, canker sores, greasy hair, and tooth decay. Also, I'd like to acknowledge that yes, these are nothing but whiny first world problems. And if I wasn't compiling a list for purposes of a entertaining blog post, it would certainly focus less on wrinkled blouses and more on abolishing cancer.

But LIKE I said, this post will be a happy one. I'm determined to make it so.

The Greatest Pleasures in Life:

1) Waking Up Naturally - I'm extremely nocturnal. I'm the happiest form of "me" after midnight. Thus my ideal night of sleep would occur from about 3 AM to 1 PM. Though, I recognize that many others are morning people and have no problem rising as the sun does. No matter what type you are, it's universally wonderful to wake up naturally. Whether it's the butt crack of dawn or nearing dinnertime, doesn't matter. If you're able to awaken peacefully, without the sound of that awful alarm and the weight of the world on your shoulders, it's gonna be a great day.

2) A Really Good Meal - Food, in general, really. Not even up for debate. One of the best things about life, hands down. I could've cut myself shaving, been late to work, gotten in a fender-bender, done piles of paperwork, and fallen in a puddle... If someone then presented me with a plate of sushi, pizza and a hot sandwich, I'm a happy girl.

3) Random Acts of Kindness - We're all guilty of it, some more than others. We rush around, worrying about ourselves and ignoring all those strangers who pass by worrying about themselves. But all it takes is a smile to brighten someone's day (or have one brighten yours). Or holding the door open for that sweet little grandma. Or receiving a genuine compliment from the cashier at ACME. Or saying "Thank you" and giving - heaven forbid - some eye contact with that random stranger. It's the little things that restore my belief in humanity.

4) Snow Days - I'm fortunate to still be in the field of education, so I can continue to enjoy the benefits of "Shit! It snowed! Stay HOME!" But regardless of where you are now, everyone can relate to that heart-skipping joy of an unexpected snow day. You're in middle school, you didn't study for that social studies test, you hate that stupid bus, and you just wanna get some sleep. Then all of a sudden, your school closing flashes across the TV screen and your brain has a little mini aneurysm. Last time this happened, I was a senior in college and a blizzard gave me a much-needed day off from the rigors of student teaching. You'll think I'm lying, but I swear to you.... I smiled myself back to sleep that morning.

5) The Perfect Hug - I was lucky enough to grow up in an environment where hugging was as frequent as breathing. So I learned young and was taught by pros. It still baffles me when people get uncomfortable and give me their painful version of a "hug": hips a foot apart from mine, awkward bend over, back tap. Really? What I cherish is a really great body-encapsulating hug from a family member or best friend, complete with a squeeze and/or lower back rub. 

6) Laughing - Self-explanatory. Whether it's a little giggle or one of those deep laughs that makes you stop breathing and start crying, it feeds your soul and makes life better. So I say... surround yourself with loving, funny and light-hearted people and the rest will take care of itself.

Sweep Her Off Her Feet

Basic Principles: No woman wakes up saying, "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" Any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom.

A wise man (albeit a fictional character played by Will Smith) once said these immortal words. For the most part, I agree. The only arguable line is the latter, which makes life seem just a little bit too perfect. It's not true that ANY man can sweep a woman off her feet. That would imply that if a convict fresh out of prison hit me with his nicest pick-up line, handed me a dozen roses and promised me the world, I'd be sending out Save-the-Dates. Doubtful.  

However, two things are absolutely true: 1) No single woman would scoff at any well-intentioned, genuine attempt at feet-sweeping, and 2) Your average man can graduate from a coy admirer to a world-class feet sweeper by making any of the following changes.

Play Guitar / Sing - I am not surprised in the least that lead guitarists and rock stars are plagued by large crowds of female groupies. Long hair, rock-and-roll and cocaine aren't really my cup of tea, but to each her own. The bottom line is if you're not a Brad Pitt lookalike with attention-getting charisma, but you can pick up that guitar in the corner and start jamming out a random string of chords - I'd like a front row seat. And your phone number. If you have the confidence and even moderate ability to sing along, that's even better. Write me a song? Now we're talking Save-the-Dates...

Dress Like It Was On Purpose - Whatever the occasion, put some consideration into what's on your body. It'll get you noticed, and if you've got someone's attention from across the room I'd say you're halfway to wooing that lucky lady... and you haven't even had to speak words yet. All I'm saying is if you woke up this morning, threw on the first worn-out jeans you came across and left the house in the same t-shirt you slept in, you're not doing yourself any favors. 

Casual - If I suggested that a guy dress to the nines all the time, this list would be unrealistic and I would be stupid. In fact, if you're considering showing up to Study Hall in a tuxedo, I suggest not. But, boys, it's not hard to step your wardrobe up a couple of notches. Just make sure your clothes fit you really nicely and that's literally it. Get some Henleys, some V-neck tees, some button-ups, and some dark wash jeans and you are gooooolden.

Fancypants - "A well-tailored suit is to women what lingerie is to men." So if at all possible, plant yourself in more situations that require you to dress up. Go to that banquet you hate. Wine and dine some girl at a fancy restaurant. Invite yourself to the Oscars. Whatever it takes to make it socially appropriate to wear anything like the following:

Get an Accent - This is another cliche, but cliches come from proven fact. Any way of speaking that's different than the regional dialect will make you instantly more desirable. So if you're looking for an easy way to get sweepin', study abroad. Doesn't matter where; close your eyes and point to a map. Stay there long enough to pick up anything different, then come back to your old stomping grounds and start chatting up strangers. Your tales from across the pond will make for good stories, and your conversation partner will be too mesmerized by your accent to even care which words are coming out of your mouth.

Be a Gentleman - Chivalry is not dead. This is far and away the most effective way to make someone fall for you.... just be kind and attentive. Open doors; listen and respond; offer to pay for things. Everyone wants to feel appreciated, so just be a good guy and that'll take you far.

Then there's the Holy Grail. The one thing that'll put any woman under your spell. In fact, you can skip all of the aforementioned suggestions and bring it home with this one powerful move. Act out a scene from a famous romantic movie. Throw rocks at her window; hold a boom box up above your head; write her 365 letters ("I wrote you every day for a year"); hold her at the bow of a ship and tell her she's flying. Trust me. It'll work.

Instant Deal Breakers

I wouldn't say I have a "type" when it comes to guys. I would, however, be able to give you a rather extensive list of what I am not looking for. In fact, I'll be doing that for you right now. And in case you're someone who has looked at one of these qualities in a guy with sugar-coated rose-colored glasses, you're welcome. 'Cause I'm about to make a strong case against them, and I may have just saved you from actually being attracted to one of these obvious deal breakers. I present to you....

Things to Do If You Want To Be Immediately Disregarded as a Potential Boyfriend

(or a Respectable Part of Society)

1.) Write or speak like you just suffered a traumatic brain injury and half the alphabet has fallen out of your head. I don't need you to speak like the Queen of England, and I don't need you to put semi-colons in your casual text messages (although I have). But I desperately need you to use proper grammar and spelling. Otherwise I'm gonna be forced to write you off as either uneducated (never learned it) or fake (learned it, but regresses back to sound "cooler"). The bottom line is: If you've made the conscious decision to use "kewl" in a sentence, you're not "kewl". And if I read one more wall post on Facebook like this one, I will start crying:   i no u gett notifcatons 2 ur fone so hitt me up thers a party that im goin 2 u should prolly go

 2.) Put no effort into your wardrobe at all, or put in all kinds of effort and fail miserably. On a scale from homeless to Ryan Seacrest, I'm gonna need him somewhere in the middle. When in doubt, dabbling in metrosexuality is a safe bet. But like I said, this list isn't about what I need a guy to be wearing; it's about pointing out the hideousness he should not be wearing. There's a couple of ways to fail here: 1) Expect your female counterpart to look like Megan Fox while you're wearing an old Hanes t-shirt and some "mystery stain" sweatpants, or 2) Leaving the house thinking you're lookin' fly in some Ed Hardy jeans hanging from mid-thigh.

3.) Get a large tattoo in an obvious spot that has no significance or relevance to anything. Personally, I don't mind tattoos. I think they can be sexy if they're done right. But if you want to be boyfriend material or taken seriously in a job interview, you're gonna want to rethink that skull you thought would look cool on your bicep. And the giant picture of Ron Burgundy on your calf. And the Japanese letters swimming up your forearm ("I could've sworn he said it meant "peace and love", not "I'm with stupid"). Do it right or don't do it at all.

4.) Smoke. Self-explanatory. If you know that the cost of a Marlboros carton just went up ten cents, we're not compatible.

5.) Put excessive clumps of product all over your head. That old cliche of a woman wanting to run her fingers through a man's hair? Yeah. Daily. So either go au natural and tame those locks or go find a Real Housewife of New Jersey. A Pauly D wannabe has no chance of fathering my children. If you're pouring Smucker's Magic Shell on a sundae and suddenly remember you need to go encase your hair in Magic Gel, I can't take you seriously.

Trial of the Century

Anyone who knows me well knows I'm a pretty easy-going person. Not many things ruffle my feathers in a big way. It's gotta be something big if I'm gonna go off about it... like violence towards children / animals, close-mindedness, and of course.... Casey Anthony.

The ironic thing is when this trial was at its height as a media sensation, I was at summer camp with no access to news, technology or television. But when I returned back to civilization in August, I made up for lost knowledge and read / watched every article and video I could get my hands on. And while I've generally gotten past this ridiculous piece of news, friends know not to bring it up because it's like igniting a flame. I once ranted myself into a headache... and I don't get headaches.

So while I'm aware that there's nothing funny about this case, I can't help but laugh at some aspects of it. Okay, the majority of it. If the defendant is gonna act like a fool, I think I'm entitled to pass judgment. Here is the infamous retelling of the 2011 Casey Anthony case from my perspective:

Phase One:  Casey and her kid Caylee are living with Casey's parents. One day Casey decides to up and travel a hundred miles without any reason and takes the kid with her. Naturally. Casey's parents call to catch up every day for a month and after 30 straight days of -  "Can we talk to Caylee?" "No, she's..... busy." - they finally ask her what happened to Caylee. Casey goes, "Oh, that's right. I forgot. The nanny kidnapped her a month ago." NBD.

Phase Two: The police get involved. They take her to Universal Studios and ask her to show them her office. I'm not sure where she thought this plan would work out, but she took the popo all the way to the end of some hallway at Universal Studios before spinning around and going "Okay, yeah I don't work here. Haven't in years." AWESOME. They ask who the baby-snatching nanny is. She names some woman, they call her, the woman's never heard of either of them. Casey goes, "Oh, right. Well I don't know then." They then search Casey's car and it smells like dead baby. NBD.

Phase Three: They ask Casey what's she been doing the last 30 days while her kid's disappeared. Turns out she's been doing what any normal, grieving mother would - putting up flyers, hosting search parties, alerting the police and crying all the snot out of her face. Oh no, WAIT. She was partying at the clubs & renting Blockbuster movies with her boy toy. NBD.

Phase Four: Casey hires an equally dishonest lawyer / acting coach to defend her in court. This man does a wonderful job at getting tears to fall from Casey's eyes, as well as crafting some story about, "Oh, actually Caylee drowned last year!" Man finds Caylee's bones in a bag in the woods by Casey's house. The jury considers the facts, which are by anyone else's standard an open-and-shut case, and finds her NOT guilty of four counts of murder. NBD.

Phase Five: Casey's livin' the American Dream, free as a bird, renting more Blockbuster movies whenever she pleases. Did I mention Casey said Caylee was a mistake? 'Ya don't say.....