Instant Deal Breakers

I wouldn't say I have a "type" when it comes to guys. I would, however, be able to give you a rather extensive list of what I am not looking for. In fact, I'll be doing that for you right now. And in case you're someone who has looked at one of these qualities in a guy with sugar-coated rose-colored glasses, you're welcome. 'Cause I'm about to make a strong case against them, and I may have just saved you from actually being attracted to one of these obvious deal breakers. I present to you....

Things to Do If You Want To Be Immediately Disregarded as a Potential Boyfriend

(or a Respectable Part of Society)

1.) Write or speak like you just suffered a traumatic brain injury and half the alphabet has fallen out of your head. I don't need you to speak like the Queen of England, and I don't need you to put semi-colons in your casual text messages (although I have). But I desperately need you to use proper grammar and spelling. Otherwise I'm gonna be forced to write you off as either uneducated (never learned it) or fake (learned it, but regresses back to sound "cooler"). The bottom line is: If you've made the conscious decision to use "kewl" in a sentence, you're not "kewl". And if I read one more wall post on Facebook like this one, I will start crying:   i no u gett notifcatons 2 ur fone so hitt me up thers a party that im goin 2 u should prolly go

 2.) Put no effort into your wardrobe at all, or put in all kinds of effort and fail miserably. On a scale from homeless to Ryan Seacrest, I'm gonna need him somewhere in the middle. When in doubt, dabbling in metrosexuality is a safe bet. But like I said, this list isn't about what I need a guy to be wearing; it's about pointing out the hideousness he should not be wearing. There's a couple of ways to fail here: 1) Expect your female counterpart to look like Megan Fox while you're wearing an old Hanes t-shirt and some "mystery stain" sweatpants, or 2) Leaving the house thinking you're lookin' fly in some Ed Hardy jeans hanging from mid-thigh.

3.) Get a large tattoo in an obvious spot that has no significance or relevance to anything. Personally, I don't mind tattoos. I think they can be sexy if they're done right. But if you want to be boyfriend material or taken seriously in a job interview, you're gonna want to rethink that skull you thought would look cool on your bicep. And the giant picture of Ron Burgundy on your calf. And the Japanese letters swimming up your forearm ("I could've sworn he said it meant "peace and love", not "I'm with stupid"). Do it right or don't do it at all.

4.) Smoke. Self-explanatory. If you know that the cost of a Marlboros carton just went up ten cents, we're not compatible.

5.) Put excessive clumps of product all over your head. That old cliche of a woman wanting to run her fingers through a man's hair? Yeah. Daily. So either go au natural and tame those locks or go find a Real Housewife of New Jersey. A Pauly D wannabe has no chance of fathering my children. If you're pouring Smucker's Magic Shell on a sundae and suddenly remember you need to go encase your hair in Magic Gel, I can't take you seriously.