Long Necks and Three Horns

I was just talking with a friend about our favorite childhood movies. We each had one or two that the other just straight up had never heard of. I'm sorry to doubt the existence of a movie that was obviously so important to your upbringing, but if you start talking about "Timmy Tom and the Fantastic Underwater Journey" or some such nonsense... I can't help but laugh. Speaking of which, Timmy Tom would make a kickass screenplay. Someone call Spielberg.

But for me, that special movie - apart from a good handful of classic Disneys - was The Land Before Time. Holy crap. I watched that thing so many times it's a wonder it didn't just crumble into dust in the VCR. For those who haven't seen it .... for shame. But I will humor you with a Reader Digest version. (For those who know me, I find it incredibly difficult to create Reader's Digest versions of good stories. Don't ask me about the Casey Anthony trial if you have somewhere to be.)

Essentially, it's about dinosaurs. The film bypasses the proper names for kids' sake and goes for more adorable physical descriptors. There's the Long Necks, the Flyers, the Three-Horns, the Big Mouths and the Spike-Tails, and apparently prehistoric times were pretty racist because these groups of dinos were segregated and very clique-y. Anyway, along comes an "earth shake" and Sharptooth the T-Rex, and all hell breaks loose. Like a depressing precursor to Mufasa's stampede, a baby Long Neck named Little Foot watches his mom die and decides he needs to go find this place called The Great Valley where life doesn't suck so much. And he picks up some crazies to keep him company along the way.

Looking back at this movie now, I realize that these characters are actually very archetypal and remind me of people I've met throughout life. Or maybe, more accurately, they embody qualities that all of us have to some degree but in different combinations. Disclaimer: YES, I'm about to dissect the inner workings of The Land Before Time. YES, I'm aware this is a beyond ridiculous thing to be doing. Now, let's do it.

Little Foot - (The Hesitant Leader)  - Little Foot's the main character and the leader of the group. The death of his Mom lights a fire under him. He decides he's not going to stick around in this hell hole alone and wait for Sharp Tooth to snatch him up with his tiny stunted arms. He knows The Great Valley has got to be his Promise Land, even if it is several days' walk. I think everyone, at least initially, is hesitant to be a leader for others or take action. Whether you hide it and power through or blend into the background like a wallflower is what makes all the difference.

Cera - (The Frenemy) - What a Gossip Girl thing to call her, I know. But you've met one at some point in your life. Cera's a "Three-Horn" and she's a bitch. Picture Veruca Salt ("I want an Oompa Loompa NOW!") Little Foot tries to befriend her and bring her along on his journey, but she's a total ice queen. At least, on the exterior. It becomes obvious that she's just put a wall up so she can't be hurt by others. Slowly she pulls her defenses down (and the stick from her ass) and when she's not being obnoxious, she's a pretty tolerable sweet friend. Who doesn't know someone like that?

Ducky - (The Optimist) - Okay, add on the Big Mouth. Despite having lost her entire family in the "earth shake", she's never without a smile. She's also high-pitched and chock full of energy to an almost irritating degree. But you can't help but love her. Again, we all know someone who refuses to see any glass half empty. Or there's that part of ourselves that hopes for the best and secretly knows being a Debbie Downers never gets you far.

Petri - (The Pessimist) - On the flip side of the same coin is that person, or darker side of yourself, that feeds off of negative energy and stress. Judging by any high schooler's Facebook status, I'd say for every Ducky, there's at least five Petris: "Someone ate my last Choco Taco! FML." Petri was born to a family of Flyers but, for whatever reason, can do nothing but fall. He refuses to try and feels like a failure, like the whole world's against him. Those days suck. And so do the people that refuse to find the silver lining or dig themselves out of a hole. Cue R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly".


Spike - (The Idiot) - Not much to dissect here. The guy's spiky, mute, and a bit of a moron. But his lovable goofiness keeps everyone else in a good mood... and we can all appreciate that. Even Zack Morris needed a Screech.


And now, for bearing with me through that ridiculous analysis, I will reward you with the commercial that preceded The Land Before Time on the original VHS tape. Adorable, class A, 1980's gold. You're welcome.