Super Cool

Welcome to 2012! Everyone handles the start of a new year differently. Some people look behind them and count memorable moments or things they regret from the past..."What made me think that was a good idea?" Others look forward, making a list of overly optimistic and unrealistic resolutions. My sister once decided she was going to write in a journal for the next 365 days. If she stuck to it, the entries must have been written in invisible ink. More recently, my brother resolved to do a series of push ups and sit ups every day for a year. He whined when I reminded him January 1st and that was the end of that.

I've made a few resolutions myself, but they're nothing special. Eat well, move around, don't get obese, avoid the apocalypse.... you know, the usual. What's more interesting is imagining the best way to cope with the real stuff that matters... everyday issues. I was talking to a friend about super powers and which one would be the most useful and awesome. The question's a old favorite - "Which super power would you pick?" The same answers appear time and time again, and I'm here to say, friends, that you're all dead wrong.

First of all, if you asked 100 people on the street, not one of them would give you a selfless answer. Unless you bumped into Mother Theresa at Panera Bread, you're not going to hear "the power to end world hunger" or "a clean water supply in Cambodia". Of course, if given the choice between abolishing AIDS or always knowing where our keys are, the answer's obvious. But that's no fun. We all want to picture ourselves sketched into a comic book with some super tight tights, some sort of half-mask, and above all - a kickass power to show the world. But like I said, it's not what you think.

* DUMB POWERS THAT GET OLD QUICKLY *

Flying - It's probably the most popular answer. But really, where would this get you? You'd fly around, waving to birds, avoiding low-flying planes and giving your friends rides. Meanwhile, everyone else is still ambling around on two feet. So unless your lifelong dream is to assimilate into a society of owls or fly south for the winter, you're better off down here. I bet it's lonely in the clouds.

Reading Minds - Are you kidding me?! Half the words that come out of our mouths are sugarcoated for the other person's benefit, just being said to make polite conversation, or a straight up lie. In other words, the opposite of what we're really thinking. No way in hell would I want the ability to hear anyone's inner monologue. Society would break down and everyone would hate each other. If Sally's complimenting my new sweater and simultaneously imagining burning it with her lighter, nothing good has resulted here. Now I hate Sally and I have to put down another 20 bucks to buy a better sweater.

Super Strength - This is generally a guy's answer, and it's a stupid one. He's probably saying it so he can impress girls around him. As if picking up cars and bending steel is the definition of sexy. We want Brad Pitt, not the Hulk. And if he's saying it to sound competitive to his buddies, that's even less practical. If you're a superhuman defensive end, for example: 1) you'll badly injure any guy you run into, 2) you'll make the game impossible to win for the opposite team, therefore no longer fun, and 3) you'll hurt the egos of every guy you show up and lose all your friends. Super.


Invisibility - The idea of being invisible isn't entirely impractical. But assuming that all other objects are still visible, you'd have to be naked and completely still all day for this to work. Most of the time, you'd just be a moving outfit. And even if you were naked, your friends and family wouldn't exactly need to call in Search and Rescue. "Have you seen Jill?" "Well, no. But I have a good feeling about that floating sandwich."


* BETTER OPTIONS YOU DIDN'T THINK OF *

Multilingual - The ability to understand and speak every language in the world. I can get any job I want. I can move freely around the world, communicating and making friends with anyone and everyone. I can translate anything at any time. Duh.... winning.
 
 Eating without Consequences - It's like Doctors without Borders, but better. I can eat french toast & ice cream for breakfast, three bacon cheeseburgers for lunch, and a six-pack of Cinnabons for dinner. Indefinitely. Without having to go up three jean sizes, battle diabetes and sign up for The Biggest Loser.

Time Travel - Big history test coming up? No problem... just zip back to World War I and see for yourself. Ever wonder what life was like for your family before you showed up in the world? Go take a look.... you know your big brother was probably adorable in a onesie. You could also use this to go into the future but I personally wouldn't. It would freak me out too much. Same principle as mind reading. Life's full of surprises; why spoil it?