So to lighten the topic and preserve my own sanity, I'm going to disband all talk about political figures and go straight to something I'm more comfortable with - rating their attractiveness. While I was teaching today, I stumbled upon a poster of all the U.S. presidents. Sure, there are a few handsome guys every couple of decades. In general, though, our country has mostly been led by an army of eyesores.
Ugliest U.S. Presidents
If my hair disappeared from the top of my head and reappeared in the form of large bushy tufts on the side of my face, I wouldn't be okay with that. But my boy Van Buren here seemed to take pride in whatever follicles were still alive and kicking. If that's keeping your self esteem afloat, by all means. But would it kill you to manscape a little bit? Just trim a bit on the sides? Mousse it back behind your ears? Ew, no. Scratch that. You know what, you ran the country at one point. You rock that high collar and suspicious eyebrow.
George Washington (1789-1797)
Okay, Georgey Boy, I really appreciate your stepping up and playing first ringleader for this circus of a country. Kudos on the Revolution and the Constitution. But let's not ignore the elephant in the room. You're wearing a powdered wig and your teeth are made of wood. www.notsosexy.com
Now this is a fixer-upper. I see real potential behind those leering eyes and all-encompassing facial hair. Not unlike the shovel-wielding old man in Home Alone. Child molester at first glance, but turns out to be nothing but a lonely grandpa at Christmas. Now, I'm the opposite of a history buff, but if I were asked to name all the presidents, Rutherford would never make the list. Maybe that beard/mustache combo was his biggest legacy.
I'm not going to mention the fact that he got stuck in the White House bathtub. We're gonna breeze right past that one. But I have no qualms with zeroing in on that amazing handlebar mustache. This must've been a trend in the early 1900's... to show up the prepubescent boys and show 'em what a real man's face looks like. That is to say, hidden beneath two furry curlicue ponytails coming out from under one's nose.
Chester A. Arthur (1881-1885)
Holy mutton-chops, Batman! Again with the overgrowth! I don't know what the fashions were back when oil paintings were all the rage, but shit. That's literally another head's worth of hair just from the earlobes down. Share the wealth, man! Or get a clean shave and look 20 years younger. Your call, Chester.
Cutest U.S. Presidents
Andrew Jackson (1829-1837)
I've never looked at a crumpled-up $20 and thought "Damn, he's hot." But this guy is obviously one of the most attractive in the presidential line-up. He's got a full head of toussled hair, a strong jawline and eyes that make the rest of his predecessors look cold and heartless. I'm a fan.
George "Dubya" Bush (Way Too Long)
I never thought this guy would be on any one of my favorable lists. Considering he's dumb and dug our country into the ground. But in the spirit of fairness, I gotta include this sexy picture from his younger years. No mutton-chops, no dimpled wrinkly skin, and yes I admit... a nice smile. If only we knew what was comin'.
James K. Polk (1845-1849)
Okay, this is a throw-back. But how dapper does this guy look? He's got product in the hair and an air of sophistication. Not to mention he was rocking the preppy popped collar before Ralph Lauren was out of the womb. And if his name wasn't handsome enough, throw in the middle name combo - James Knox. Hell, if I was around in the 1840's, I'd be all over that.
Barack Obama (2008 - present)
Yup. You'd knew he'd show up eventually. He's young, he's handsome, he's knowledgeable and he's the ultimate family man... what's not to love? Here's to four more years, Mr. President.
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