We've officially reached Season 16 of The Bachelor, and to be honest, I'm not as excited as I've been in the past. The reason was hard to pinpoint at first, but I think it all has to do with the man ABC chose. In seasons past, the Bachelor has been this ab-tastic, ruggedly handsome, wildly unattainable Ken doll. And every year, they'd search far and wide, over mountains and valleys, to find this Greek god and present him in all his glory to the women of the world. Then they got lazy. The producers realized they could air two hours of puppies wrestling, stick it in the 8 PM time slot, call it the Bachelor and still be called Must-See TV. So they started recycling, giving another chance to whichever poor sap got their heart broken the season before. It's worked for the most part, but I knew the train had to come to a halt somewhere and I think we've reached that point.
Ben is cute, don't get me wrong. But he's real-world attractive. I don't want to look at the Bachelor and say, "Wow, he actually looks a lot like that cashier at Wallgreen's." I want muscles for days, a smile to die for, and the pain of knowing I'll never meet anyone of that caliber. That's what makes for great television, and
that's what has made the following list of atrocities bearable for the last fifteen years:
1.) Dating Roulette - The idea that a random sample of 25 women are perfect matches for this one man, and it's entirely up to him to decide who he likes. These women have no idea who the Bachelor is going to be ahead of time and yet, from the second each of them steps out of that limo, they are immediately convinced they will marry him and carry his children. Almost never do they say, "Oh, he's not my soul mate. Thanks anyway." They always stay and pine embarrassingly for his attention until they're inevitably sent home and cry like children.
2.) Crazypants Contestants - I know the producers want a unique group of women on this show each year, but where in the
hell do they find these creatures? It's like they've been living underground and this is their first interaction with other humans. 98% of the women have a complete inability to deal with conflict, stress, or rejection of any kind. They're grown women with fairly respectable - if not vague - careers (i.e. self-employed entrepreneur), and yet they can't resist calling each other sluts. And when they're not being unreasonably mean, they're passing out or having a panic attack. Heaven forbid the Bachelor doesn't pick them. "WHY ME???????!!!! Am I
so unlovable? Don't
I deserve happiness too?" Sure, maybe. But obviously he wasn't feelin' you, so move along. Find a life coach and hopefully grow an ounce of self confidence in the process.
3.) Delusions of Grandeur - Like I said, the moment these women see the Bachelor, they have baby names picked out and they're sending out Save-the-Dates. Even if that is how your brain is wired, keep it to yourself. After your first date, you don't need to shout from the mountain tops how in love you are. You don't need to say things like "He's going to be such a great dad to my children!" when Ben high-fives a kid in passing. And by "Do you want another glass of wine?", Ben did not mean "Will you marry me?" When did realistic views of the future go out of style?
4.) Dating in Paradise - I do have to give these women credit where credit is due. If I went on dates like these, I might be madly "in love" in twelve seconds too. They're boarding a plane to Bora Bora where they'll swim with dolphins, explore an ancient cave, make out under a waterfall, then enjoy a moonlight dinner atop an oversized lily pad. Meanwhile the producers are pumping out aphrodisiacs and Marvin Gaye's Greatest Hits. Compare that to any date I've ever been on - generally half-price apps at Applebee's followed by a 90's rom-com on my couch. It's fair to say that ABC's producers could send me to Bora Bora with Ronald McDonald and I'd come back with a rock on my left hand. And a #7 with a Sprite.
5.) Chris Harrison - This guy is the male version of Vanna White. His job description is laughably simple and we're all secretly jealous that we're not in his shoes. He says the same four lines in every episode and earns - I'm not joking - $60,000 an episode. If I knew I could walk on set from stage left and announce somberly, "Ladies....Ben..... this is the final rose tonight" and call that a CAREER, I'd have dropped out of college years ago.
The sad truth is, however.... The Bachelor's got me reeled in for good. The drama's ridiculous, the women are batshit crazy, and the Bachelor himself is getting more and more average. But I'll still be watching every episode.
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