Shopping Hazards

Most women love shopping; that's a given. The average guy's dream day would be spent on the couch in front of an NFL game with a cheesesteak and a beer. But ask any girl and she'll opt for a semi-annual sale at Vicky's, a marathon run around Macy's and a couple of shoegasms. I guess I'm an exception to the rule.

I strongly dislike shopping. New clothes? Absolutely. If a personal shopper wants to hit up the mall for me and drop off a new shipment from H&M at my doorstep, please and thank you. But since I'm not Oprah Winfrey, I have to resort to doing it myself. So without further ado, the top three reasons why shopping sucks:

#3 - Other Shoppers

If you want to see me in my most agitated state, skip the rush-hour traffic and the room full of spiders. Just drop me in the middle of the mall on Christmas Eve. That's when the tension is highest and the people are pushiest ("My daughter needs her SKINNY JEANSSS!"), but even a normal shopping trip can be frustrating. Whether it's the soccer mom with no regard for personal space inching up on you in the racks, the line of teenagers walking slower than snails, or just an overwhelming crowd of strangers swarming through every nook and cranny.... I just can't handle it.

#2 - Trying On Clothes

After perusing the racks for twenty minutes, I finally have an armful of clothes in various sizes and colors that may or may not look good. Or fit me, for that matter. But I'm willing to forge ahead and try them on. In a perfect world, I'd just waltz right into the first open room and get started. But no, that's not how it works. I'm obviously a useless peasant who needs to go ask an ornery saleswoman for permission and a key. Once I am granted permission from one of these High Priestesses of Fashion, I am then free to do at least one of two things: 1) embarrass myself by putting on something I didn't realize was hideous or three sizes too small, or 2) waste my time by trying on sixteen articles of clothing, re-hanging them all and leaving with nothing.

#1 - Overzealous Saleswomen

This one really should've been voted into the Bill of Rights. As a citizen of the United States, I reserve the right to walk leisurely into a store, waste as much time as I please, and walk out with nothing more than what I came in with. The most important clause to this Amendment is that I remain undisturbed during the entirety of this process. I don't know what manager thought it would be a good idea to attack his customers with loud, boisterous saleswomen and I can't fathom how this concept spread like wildfire through every store in the mall. What a terrible, pervasive concept. I don't care if the argyle shirts are 30% off or the pants are "buy one, get one free". If you advertise your GD sales well enough, any graduate of elementary school can educate themselves. I don't need to be berated before I make six full steps into your store. If your employees really don't have anything better to do than chase around their customers with smiles and sales pitches, then save yourself some money and don't hire so many. My favorite is: "I'm Jessica. Let me know if I can help you!" Thanks, Jess. I have social skills. If I need help, I'll ask for it. That's how this whole being-a-human works. Until then, go fold that pile of shirts and let me wander aimlessly until I leave this mall with nothing but a Cinnabon.