Benchwarmer Holidays

Happy Mother's Day! I found myself exclaiming that to everyone today, regardless of whether they had any children. Apparently not a prerequisite.

Holidays are an interesting concept. I can only speak for American customs obviously. I have nothing against them, but objectively they're hilarious. Over time, the origin of almost every holiday has been misconstrued or lost entirely. Christmas is all about presents and twinkly lights and a Douglas fir in your living room. Easter's religious significance is overshadowed every year by a giant marshmallow Peep. Either that or a migraine from all the bright pastel colors abound. A friendly feast among Pilgrims and Indians at a beautiful picnic table atop Plymouth Rock? Yeah right, Thanksgiving. And remember when that Roman priest was tortured and beheaded for defying the law and marrying monogamous couples? Happy Valentine's Day! (I don't blame us for sugarcoating that one. Roses, champagne and Hallmark cards seem nicer than a guillotine.)

Then there's the bench warmers. These can barely be classified as holidays. Their meanings are even more vague, making them useful for nothing but a day off. I, for one, consider this a lost opportunity. What if we celebrated these holidays with the same enthusiasm as the others? Better yet, we could make up brand new traditions based off of their actual origins.

Arbor Day

As we all know, the "Douglas fir in the living room" concept has been done. We can do better. (Especially since a holiday celebrating trees probably shouldn't be listed as a major cause for deforestation.) Dressing up is always a fun way to spice things up. Adults and kids alike could wear different shades of brown. (Dig those corduroys and turtlenecks out of storage!) Then everyone can don a leaf-covered headband and attach plastic branches to their arms. Classy. The afternoon could be spent hugging trees and hosting eco-friendly gatherings under the shade of your favorite maple. Then - what everyone's been waiting for - a feast with family and friends featuring all plant-based dishes. Move over, Christmas ham! Eggplant and a garden salad is where it's at. (Pardon the preposition.)

Presidents Day

For centuries, Halloween has reigned supreme as the Ultimate Dress-Up Extravaganza. Sure, Frankenstein and Lady Gaga are fun to impersonate. And I bet you've already reserved your tree costume for next year's Arbor Day celebration. But before you finalize your plans, consider this: wooden teeth, a powdered wig, knee-high socks, and a tri-corner hat. I say we bring some of George Washington's colonial swag to the 21st century. Of course, all Presidents are created equal, so if you wanted to rock Roosevelt's wheelchair or glue on some Chester Arthur mutton chops, you do it. Who's gonna stop ya?


Labor Day

I know what you're thinking: "I do celebrate Labor Day!" No, ma'am. The day was meant to recognize all of those whose hard work has contributed to a strong, healthy economy. Lounging poolside and barbequing with your family while you mourn your last white pants of the season is not celebrating Labor Day. If we really took to heart the meaning of this holiday, we'd pick up a double shift at work. Or finish a project we've been putting off for weeks. Or wear a costume signifying our region's principal industry a la Hunger Games. That last one's really just an excuse to see Zac Efron in something like Finnick's fishing net costume in Book 2. Okay, ditch the other ideas ... let's keep throwing pool parties and invite Zac in a net.

Columbus Day

Another day off to remember some misguided explorer from the 1400's. First off, Columbus thought the world was shaped like a pear. That makes our choice of snack easy: Bosque or Bartlett? Secondly, the guy stumbled upon some land he thought was Asia, declared it his discovery even though Native Americans had been living there for years, and set up camp for a while. In remembrance of this obviously brave and noble achievement, I propose we all take a drive. After a few minutes, pick a house that appeals to you, stake a foreclosure sign in their front lawn, and begin moving in at your leisure.