Are You Afraid of the Dark?

I've been watching scary movies for years. Depending on the quality, each can be a very different experience. With most of the earlier films seemingly shot with your Dad's old camera and spliced together on iMovie, everything was too ridiculous to take seriously. My friends and I would laugh through the whole thing. The stupid plot, the middle school acting, the ketchup on the knife.... Might as well have been a comedy.

Then there were the good ones. My pulse would be jumping, blood pressure through the roof. Why do we do this to ourselves? I'm not sure. It's fun, but I can't articulate why. Especially when, by all accounts, I should still be in therapy after viewing Roald Dahl's The Witches as a kid. What possessed my parents to allow their 8-year-old to watch this horrifying freak show on VHS? I can only imagine what kind of illegal substances the MPAA executives were on when they gave this thing a PG rating. The conspiracy continues today with such whimsical summaries as: A young boy stumbles upon a witch convention and must stop them before it's too late. Thanks, IMDB, but you forgot to mention that part about the women pulling their faces off, turning children into mice and cooking them. PG my ass.

But, against all odds, I rose above that one. Definitely seen a few great horror classics since then, but none rival the experience of seeing Paranormal Activity for the first time in theaters. As a preface, I have to say I knew nothing about this little underground indie movie and had never seen anything like it, therefore assumed it was 100% real footage. So by the last scene, I had my knees curled up to my face, my white knuckles had an iron grip on my friend's sleeve, and I hadn't taken a breath in at least 60 seconds. When the movie ended, we sat for an extra five minutes just staring straight ahead and trembling. Now that's awesome.

For many movies, suspension of disbelief is necessary to really enjoy them. But I think this practice is only effective to a point. When a killer is breaking down the front door and the main character runs past the back door to escape upstairs, you can't help but call her an idiot and throw popcorn at her face. (Under the bed? Groundbreaking! He'll never find you there!) I can't watch one more group of friends decide to "split up and look around". And if you're a blonde teenager in a nightie and you just heard someone scream in the next room, by all means... go investigate and call out loudly to make your presence known. No, you're right... that probably was your quarterback boyfriend who made that noise. ("Bobby? Bobby, is that you?")

I'm not gonna' lie, though. After years of horror flicks, there is a degree of residual fear that follows me around in dark rooms and empty houses. I don't sleep with a night light and I don't leave all the TVs on when I'm home alone to simulate a busy household. But there are a handful of childhood fears that have stood the test of time and maturation. Most nights, I can dismiss them as irrational, but every once in a while they rear their ugly head:

Rules to Live By in Scary Situations

•  If you're home alone and you run upstairs, you'll be safe. If you hit the ground running, you will always be just out of arm’s reach if a scary guy is hiding and decides to strike just as you reach the staircase.

• If you’re covered entirely by a blanket from the neck down, nothing bad can happen to you. It makes an impenetrable force field.

• If your feet dangle off the end of the bed, that’s the cue for whatever is under your bed to grab your feet. Keep your feet safely atop the mattress if you want to avoid a confrontation with those little buggers.

•  If you get into your locked car, there is a definite possibility that there’s someone hiding in the backseat. Check.

• When possible, do not sleep with your back to the bedroom door. You're 10x more vulnerable to an attack. And if someone were to come in, they could easily kill you ... thanks to the extra 2 seconds it would take to roll over and defend yourself.