Professional Place Holder

Graduating college reminds me of that final scene in The Truman Show. Truman realizes the world as he's known it is a fake. He's been surrounded by a bubble of protection and comfort and unrealistic happiness. He knows it's time to go be a real person, but he's still riding the high. So he ascends the staircase with determined optimism, opens the door to the real world and steps out into the unknown.

Now the movie ends here, but if the next few scenes were anything like my first summer as a bonafide "adult", color me empathetic.

That's a rather dramatic description of adjusting to post-college life. But this much is true: The economy has made for an interesting job hunt. It felt like the second I was handed my diploma, a gaggle of extended family members appeared to begin asking me about what I had planned for my future.

Family Member: Have anything lined up for the fall yet?
Me: Not yet, but I'll definitely keep my eye out. (Read: Hell no. Why would I have anything lined up? This isn't the 1900's when one-room schoolhouses were begging for young females to come teach the alphabet. It's a dog eat dog world out there.)
Family Member: Oh. Well that's okay! Keep your chin up.
Me: Thanks.. will do! (Who said my chin was down?)
Family Member: You should start out substituting. That's a surefire way to get your foot in the door! Ya know... put your face out there, get your name known, learn the ropes....
Me: I plan on it! Thanks! (I wonder what the record is for number of cliches packed into one sentence.)

Fast forward two years. As predicted, I've spent the last two years working part-time as a substitute teacher. In all honesty, it has been nice to be able to use my degree for something that's related to my field and I have gained valuable experience. But in another sense, my position could probably more accurately be called a Professional Place Holder.

While some teaching does take place, there are also a handful of other things happening. These could be categorized under "babysitting", "entertaining", and "crowd control". Here are the most glaring examples of what I'm talking about:

That Thing That Happened The Other Day When You Weren’t Here But That You Now Need to Address

      This happens without fail. A standard Monday morning will start off with an exasperated, run-on sentence similar to this one: "On Friday Mrs. Susiebottom told me I could borrow her scissors and construction paper to cut out little shapes for my 50 states art project but then we had a fire drill and our math lesson took longer than it was supposed to 'cause Madison threw up Sun Chips on her test so I didn't get to work on my project even though she promised me I could and I don't think it would be fair if I didn't get to do it today cause the project's due in three days no two days so since I couldn't do it on Friday can I do it now?" First of all, take a breath. Second of all, I didn't sign up for this. For all I know, Mrs. Susiebottom said no such thing. I generally make an educated decision based on common sense. Or how little I care to start a verbal duel with this child.

How Dare You Mess With the System!

       Any good classroom teacher has a classroom routine in place so the kids know what is expected of them and things can run smoothly. They've got a system and they like it. So you can imagine the horror film that plays out in a 10-year-old's head when they walk in and see a stranger in place of their teacher. The Earth shifts on its axis and the trees outside lose their leaves. As the day wears on, they think "I can do this. I can adapt." But then this stranger in a cardigan does something crazy like write the date with the red marker, not the blue. And she doesn't say "good morning" the same way that Mrs. Susiebottom always does. And doesn't she know which rocking chair to sit in when she reads us a book? Who does she think she is?!

Some Unprecedented, Ridiculous Display of Misbehavior

        For the most part, my classes go smoothly. (Probably because I've seen enough over the years to know which schools to avoid like the plague. Oh, and I'm a certified educator.) But even in the calmest of classrooms, you'll encounter those kids who can't help but act out. I've seen students run circles around the room like they're in a 5K. A girl once poked herself in the eye with a marker. Just the other day, a kid came up to me in tears: "All I did was poke Jimmy and he threw my pencil away!" When I confronted Jimmy, he just looked up from his work and pointed to a hole in his jeans: "She STABBED me in the LEG!"

The Less Desirable Superpowers: Invisibility & Disposibility 

        Here's where the Professional Place Holder title comes into play. If I had a dollar for every time another teacher walked into my room, saw that a sub was in for the day, and walked out without a word.... I could retire at 23. For whatever reason, normal social conduct doesn't seem to apply here (?)  We both know I saw you come in. I know I'm not the person you were looking for, but is it too taxing for you to say hi? Maybe I could even take a message if you had stayed long enough to leave one. If I actually took offense to these interactions, I'd have crumbled into pieces by now, crying about how undervalued I am.