Dating Roulette

The Internet has expanded our lives in countless ways. Most of them are undoubtedly positive: greater communication, larger & quicker access to information, so on and so forth. Then there's the world of dating. It only took a decade for "meeting up with a perfect stranger" to evolve from a death wish to a romantic outing.

Granted, things have definitely changed. Chat rooms and dating sites used to be reserved exclusively for creepers, stalkers, and anti-social hermits. Now people from all walks of life are giving the Internet a try in the hopes of finding that perfect someone. I've been dabbling in it for a year or so.... with minimal success.

The problem is that while more and more people are joining these networks, there are still a ridiculous number of crazies abound. I would equate it to taking a trip to a thrift store. You don't necessarily know what you're looking for.... or maybe you have an exact item in mind! Either way, you have to accept the fact that the perfect product will not be right there as you walk in, surrounded by a bejeweled glass case and perched atop a decorative throw pillow. No, that's not how this works. You're gonna elbow your way into a vaguely labeled aisle and search for hours through hundreds and hundreds of crappy, low-quality items. And you say "Why do I keep coming back here? There's so much junk to sift through." Well, my friend, because for every thirty grandma sweaters, you will always stumble upon one cute tank top or a eye-catching blazer. Intermittent positive reinforcement keeps you coming back.

The hilarious thing is how guys choose to portray themselves. I'll get random messages spanning the full spectrum of social ability and awareness of basic grammar. They generally range from long, drawn-out monologues professing their undying love to the ever-popular "hey what up". And of course, what I'm looking for is a nice balance of good looks and a Prince Charming personality. Unfortunately, in my experience, this is the conclusion I've reached:

Then there's their profiles. These guys only have a quick summary and a few pictures to represent who they are and attract the opposite gender. And the vast majority of the images they pick fall into one or more of these ridiculous categories:

Shirtless in the Mirror

We get it. We're all very impressed with your eight-pack and pelvic V. Are you really standing in front of your bathroom mirror, posing with your iPhone and shooting us your best Blue Steel look? If you need to overcompensate for a lackluster personality by flexing..... well, that sucks.

No Smile Whatsoever

Not even a hint of a smirk. Really? I'm looking for an easy-going guy to go gallivanting with me through a meadow and all that crap. I want a date, not an escaped convict. You might impress your bros with that tough guy look, but if you want to be wifed up anytime soon... say "cheese".

Covered in Girls

Of all the pictures ever taken of you, you chose to upload all the ones with a gaggle of girls. My immediate assumption is that you're either: a) a cocky player, b) still seeing someone and shopping around behind her back, or c) you have some sort of repellent quality that has kept all of the females you know in "the friend zone".

Picture of His Car

I want to make this perfectly clear. I don't care AT ALL about your car. I don't care even a little bit. No girl I know cares about any car. The more you obsess about it, the less I'm attracted to you. So if you're like most other guys, hanging a portrait of your re-upholstered baby over the mantle, at least keep it on the DL until we get a few dates under our belts and I'm obligated to accept your flaws.