Disney Brats

Before 3D Pixar was born, Disney princesses ruled over everyone. Most girls would prance around their bedrooms looking like some crazy combination of every princess put together: a fairy godmother wand, Cinderella slippers, a red Ariel wig, Snow White's dress, and a tiara that belonged to no one in particular. I guess I was more of a boy in that respect; I preferred some Mowgli and Baloo, with some Simba thrown in.

But for most girls, the Disney Princesses were gorgeous and brave and worthy of the hottest two-dimensional prince anyone could draw. Looking at them now, though, I can't help but think they'd be super annoying in real life.

1) Snow White - She's one of the only ones I idolized as a kid. Of all choices, I picked this girl. She's not even a princess. She literally stumbles into the forest and is so damn tired, she falls asleep in someone else's home. Then when eight midgets show up, she decides to stay. Absolutely. Why wouldn't you? With no other prospects in life, you might as well set up camp in a random cottage and undermine women's rights by doing housework for eight little men with adjectives for names. The only times she feels it necessary to take a break are to: 1) accept suspicious fruit from the hideous old woman outside, 2) hold discussions with various woodland creatures, or 3) whine to the wishing well about how she hasn't found love yet. Can you imagine if this girl actually existed? What would her Facebook status be?

Snow White                                                                                                                                                                     I'm wishing, i'm wishing, for the one I love to find me, to find me today, today. Just had a funky apple ... some ho was handin em out

                 Like · Comment · See Friendship · 18 hours ago near The Woods


2) Ariel - Okay, I don't care if this chick is daughter to some nautical King, she's got all the makings of your typical asshole teenager. She's flighty, self-involved and always off doing her own thing with a fish and a French lobster. Plus her time management is atrocious. Even when she knows she's expected in her conch shell at the undersea concert, she's off playing with dinglehoppers. In real life, she'd be that girl showing up halfway through class, copping attitude with the teacher and twirling her hair with a fork. Which brings us to her blatant lack of gratitude. She's got a whole cavern of treasures untold and she wants more? I'd kill for just one thingamabob. This girl's got twenty! Selfish. And don't even get me started on Prince Eric. He's a sexy sailor with a lovable dog. And Ariel's all "Oops, guess I forgot my clothes on the beach". Voice or no voice, you'd think you could mime a little better. Or heaven forbid you grab a notepad? There's not a single looseleaf in all of Prince Eric's palace?

Ariel                                                                                                                                                                           First day with the new legs. Eric's hot and all, but I can't say a damn thing and his chef tried to cook Sebastian. Cavern of whatzits ain't lookin so bad

Like · Comment · See Friendship · 6 hours ago near The Sea


3) Cinderella - From the outside looking in, Cinderella's an obvious victim. And yes, her life sucks. But if she would just grow a pair, maybe she could turn it around. "Evil" stepmother forces her to sweep? The broad's probably just got a 9-to-5 she hates and she's trying to take it out on her only pretty daughter. All Cindy's gotta do is tell her mom to take a hike, give those ugly stepsisters some tweezers and Invisalign, hit up the closest JC Penney for a gown, and hightail it over to that ball. Then when that fairy godmother shows up, all you gotta say is "No crazy for me, thanks" and take a taxi like a normal person. No curse, no curfew. Midnight will come and go and the party will still be hoppin'. (I'd skip the transparent heels though... shards of glass in your heel can really be a buzzkill.) Cut to 4 AM, Cindy and Charming on a horse, happily ever after.

Cinderella Charming                                                                                                                                       Woke up and a big pumpkin on wheels was outside the castle. Effing godmother won't take a hint.

Like · Comment · See Friendship · 6 hours ago near Happily Ever After