Remember the 90's?

Having been raised by the 90's, I sometimes forget how long it's been. It feels like just yesterday I was watching Little Mermaid in my PJ's and doing a series of nonsensical hand claps to make my Furby blink. I just read an article the other day about things we'll have to explain to our kids... or kids today, for that matter. (The second graders I taught the other day were born in 2003. That was like three weeks ago.)

Anyway, I read this article and apart from making me feel ancient, the list was also missing a handful of gems that pretty much made up my childhood. So enjoy the following oversights.

 Toys:

In a world before "iPod" was baby's first word, there were four long-necked hippos just trying to survive. There were only so many white plastic balls to go around; it was truly survival of the fittest. And try not to whine when it's your lever that gets stuck. It's all part of Darwin's divine plan.

Forget "tall dark & handsome". When I was six and playing in the bath, I liked my men short and stout. Preferably with bug eyes, a beer gut, feet that grew directly from their thighs, and a coarse pouf of neon hair. It also never hurts to have a man whose arms are permanently stuck in hug mode.

On the playground, pogs were practically a form of currency. Friendships were broken forever because of a bad trade. Your sleeve of plastic circles was your arsenal and you guarded it with your life. And if you were so lucky as to be blessed with one or more "metal" Slammers, you were pretty much The Shit.

For the two or three lucky souls who invested in the "Ty" brand in time for early 1997, I applaud you. You could probably pay off my student loans with your pocket change. As for the rest of you - don't tell me beanbag animals didn't consume your life for at least six months; you're a dirty liar. In the economy of the average playground, owning less than twenty Beanies put you below the poverty line. Hearing phrases like the following was not uncommon: "Oh my god... you have Inky? She's so rare! I would give anything for- It's her birthday next week??" Also, ripping off an original tag was, I'm fairly sure, a misdemeanor in 48 states. Why? It "devalued" our little pellet-filled friends who, left in mint condition, would surely be worth millions in the coming millenium. That worked out well.

What little girl doesn't dream of being 6 inches tall, living in a heart-shaped plastic case? I know I did. And Polly Pocket, elegant as she was, liked to live the simple life. Her home consisted of nothing more than a couch, a rocking horse, and a flight of stairs. Livin' the dream.

I'm gonna name my first born children Mario and Peach. That's not true. But today's little punks could learn something from the brilliant simplicity of original Nintendo. Forget 3D games, forget rumble packs and motion sensors. My only mission in life is to pop that turtle back in its shell and get that coin out of that damn question mark box. And if, heaven forbid, Mario were to freeze, you blow that dust outta that cartridge and you get back to work.

I learned nothing in fourth grade. How could I focus on academics when my Tomagatchi just pooped? I don't care if I never learn my state capitals. You've got to sort your priorities early. My allegiances will always lie with the gigabyte creature in my left pocket. Rightly so.





  TV Shows:
They're mighty AND they're morphin'. And apart from being able to do mediocre karate chops and subsequently turn into a robot the height of an apartment building, their outfits were cool. The black Ranger was black, the yellow Ranger was Asian, the pink ranger was your stereotypical girly girl, and all of this was somehow okay. Eclipsed by ...... what, ground-breaking special effects?

Long before having multiple fathers was the cool thing to do, this show was born and the 90's would never be the same. What's the show about? Well, the father of three young girls recruits his comedian buddy (whose best material was a series of wood-related jokes delivered by a hand puppet) and his sexypants mullet-clad friend who gave up the hot single life (why not?) to settle down and help raise some other guy's kids.

     Don't tell me you didn't want to be Zack Morris. How many times have you looked around and exclaimed, "I wish I could freeze time and talk to the audience about the prank I'm about to pull on my lovably idiotic principal." If you didn't like this show - and you did - at least recognize its kickass theme song, which I still can't get out of my head.

Topanga. Absolutely a person's name. No question. And her relationship with Cory Matthews made me believe in love. Or at least a cute relationship that framed the entirety of my childhood. My first born son will be named Feeny. Again, I lie.

Her dance moves in the opening are atrocious, but at least her two aunts and talking black cat taught her some basic witchcraft. Wand? No, thanks... I'll just use my pointer finger. If I smile just right, my boyfriend of several years will never suspect a thing. Oh, Sabrina.... you were the envy of budding witch tweens everywhere.



 

  Household Items:
Once upon a time, a phone didn't live in one's pocket. Oh, no - your calls were limited to within a 6 feet radius of the kitchen wall. Grandma's on the line? Hope you weren't busy. Pop a squat right there and twirl the cord around your finger... you're not going anywhere. Even sadder, had Caller ID been invented yet, you wouldn't have needed to pick up at all. Screening calls were a luxury of the future & your rotary phone had you on lockdown for the remainder of that conversation.

Oh, you wanted to cue up that scene from your favorite movie? Hold on, let me fast forward. "Fast....... what?" You heard me. Back before the Age of the Disc, movie-watchers were at the mercy of that finicky elongated piece of film traveling from one reel to the other. I used to live in fear of the day my VCR would throw a tantrum and eat my favorite tape for lunch.