Screw This. I'm Goin' to Hogwarts

I just finished reading the entire 7-book series of Harry Potter and consequently, I'm obsessed. ABC Family must've known... they put a HP movie marathon on all weekend. And seeing as though my life is at a standstill  crossroads, I've decided the obvious next move is to abandon everything and immediately enroll at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. And I know what you're thinking: "Jillian, what a rash decision. I hope that you at least weighed your options before running off to Diagon Alley to buy your first-year supplies." Of course I did. And for the following reasons, I think it's genius. (If only they would get rid of those damn enchantments so I could find the place.)

•  Quidditch - As an American, I do love sitting down for a nice game of 9+ innings of Phillies baseball with a dollar dog in one hand and a rally towel in the other. And if I had more money to throw around and the team wasn't sucking so much, I'd be right there with the Eagles too. But let's face it - no sport has more fast paced, continuous action than Quidditch. Even the football soccer fanatics all over Europe and South America have to agree. Any game of Quidditch is like fast-forwarding through the best game of soccer. Plus we've got the obvious cool points earned by 1) flying, 2) flying on brooms, 3) flying on brooms while throwing and deflecting various magical balls. No contest.
• Invisibility Cloak - I'm aware that Harry Potter had the sweetest, most impenetrable version of this cloak. But you can't tell me there isn't some second-rate cloak hidden somewhere in that castle. I'll settle for a windbreaker with like a cloudy, opaque appearance. It's not like I'll be out looking for Death Eaters, anyway. I'll probably just use it to sneak out of class when I get bored or play harmless pranks on people in the corridors. Okay, I guess it's not that cool if I'm not "managing mischief" like Potter and his friends.

• Food - Okay, hi. If this were a top ten list, food would be #1 above all else. Have you seen a scene of the Great Hall? Any holiday, any Quidditch match, any time a new school year's beginning, any weekday... those house tables are STACKED. Every time Harry's nervous or scared and decides to skip a meal, I wanna stab my book with a basilisk fang. Really? Although I guess he's friends with house elves - hell, he's got his own ugly one back at Sirius's place - so he can get room service whenever he pleases. Damn it, Potter. You really are The Chosen One.

• Room of Requirement - How useful would this be? No, really... think about it. A room that becomes anything you require. Every Friday night, I'll be walking past it three times going "I need a bangin' night club with hot beats and even hotter men." That's not true at all. Anyone who knows me knows I'll be requiring nothing more than a room full of fluffy cushions on which to nap and walls lined with sandwiches and sushi. Done and done.
• Hogsmeade - If the rumors are true, this Candyland paradise is better than Willy Wonka's factory. I'm saving up as we speak for a round of butterbeers, crazypants candy from Honeyduke's, and the entire stock of Weasley products. And if I have any Galleons leftover, I'm gonna spruce up that Hog's Head place. Sounds like the bar in every town where the drunks and creepers go to hang out. Just needs a little TLC, I think.
• Accio charm - I should really use some self control. Refraining from this one will save me from a complete loss of work ethic and gaining a good 30 pounds. It's a charm that brings an object to you with a little flick of your wand. No effort required. Accio TV remote. Accio unagi avocado roll. Accio Zac Efron.
• Finding Umbridge - I did find some solace in hearing that she was carried away by centaurs and tortured into insanity by Azkaban dementors, but I feel like there's something more that needs to be done to this ho bag. First of all, if I were Harry and this pink cream-puff had scarred "I must not tell lies" into my hand, you best believe I'd have fought back instead of sitting idly to save my dignity. Screw my dignity. First rule of business when I show up at Hogwarts, I'm gonna hop aboard the nearest hippogriff, pop over to Azkaban, and give Dolores a swift kick to the uterus.

• Owls - I know e-mails, texts, and status updates are quicker but there's no better pet or personal messenger. I'm willing to wait a few days for my response if it arrives hanging off the talon of a badass snowy owl. 
• Time turner - You'd think these things would be secretive and hidden away somewhere in the depths of the castle. After all, you wouldn't want just anyone being able to flit back and forth through time and space. But I read Book Three and I'm just as surprised as you... McGonagall's just giving them out like mints after a meal. Simply sign one out and there you are fast forwarding through Potions and History of Magic. Or back at the Christmas feast again. Or going back in time to save Buckbeak and help Sirius escape from ....... no, right, probably just for food and cutting class.