Happy Festivus! This fictional Seinfeld holiday involves erecting a steel pole instead of a tree and replacing childlike merriment with a tradition called the Airing of Grievances. Typically, telling everyone you love what's bothering you and in what ways they've disappointed you over the past year. Now, as a Christmas lover and overall good person, I won't go this far. But everyone's got a few things they could stand to get off their back. I've already expressed my feelings towards slow drivers and their lack of turn signals and other pet peeves behind the wheel. But when I started to examine what other grievances I had toward life in general, I surprised myself. Instead of a laundry list of Things I Despise, I landed on only three things that really make me wanna punch a baby. (Okay, no. I don't punch babies.)
Hideous Attempts at (or Total Disregard for) Proper Grammar
I can't. I just can't handle it. Despite the millions of bilingual people jetting around the world learning perfect English to communicate and succeed, we lazy Americans - who have been speaking just the one language our whole lives - couldn't be bothered. It bothers me so much. Yes, it's a difficult language with almost as many exceptions as there are rules. But that does not give you the liberty to send a text saying "their soooo kewl. your comingg too the party to? omggg".
Secondly, if you're not 12 and trying to fit in by making one "s" into six and adding 37 exclamation points, that's even worse. I've edited some pretty awful college papers. Spelling, grammar, sentence structure, how to use a comma.... After 12+ years of English classes and basic communication with other humans, you'd think these things would be second nature. And if it's something that doesn't come easily, I don't see why it wouldn't be a priority. You're and your. Their, there, and they're. To, two, and too. Its and it's. It's not hard to pinpoint the rather glaring differences, and these words are ridiculously prevalent in almost every sentence you speak or write. Work it out, people.
Noisy Eaters
If I'm blindfolded, I shouldn't know that you're eating and what texture the food is. Even if I'm looking right at you, it's not attractive to be smacking your lips and chewing like a cow. I love food as much as the next person, but I'd love to focus on how delicious my meatball sub is and not that glob of mashed potato hanging off your lip.
To add insult to injury, someone I know has a habit of creating a symphony of sounds to show how much she's enjoying her meal. Also known as yummy noises. It's mostly unconscious, but equally distracting. Imagine a less exaggerated version of the following scene:
Movie Talkers
Going to see a movie used to be a pretty common event. You'd scrounge up a five and a couple ones and go check out what's playing. Now, with prices over ten bucks, it's a serious commitment you're making to go sit in that theater with your 50-ounce "medium" soda and your $14 box of Bunch-a-Crunch. At least that's how I feel. So when people start talking behind me, I can't help but get upset. And it's usually one of three demographics: 1) teenagers treating the movie as background noise as they flirt and giggle about the latest 8th grade gossip, 2) a large group of unsupervised pre-teens shouting things at the screen and making uninformed jokes about the R-rated movie they weren't carded for, 3) an elderly couple who refuse to wear hearing aids and would rather loudly summarize every scene to each other.
Just like driving, it's all about courtesy to others. I don't appreciate you talking over my movie and I don't appreciate you running that stop sign.
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